Best Christmas present ever: I got to go to bed early. I slept 12 hours (though I was awake several times feeding the baby).

I ended up cancelling my physical therapy and reschedule it for another day.

I started to rearrange my doll collection on the hanging door organizer. I have some dolls to open up and place on the organizer.

But I am bushed. Thinking of adding blanched broccoli and bacon bits to my infamous Mac and cheese casserole.

Today, someone cancelled their physical therapy appointment for tomorrow and so I jumped on the spot and wrote down the info of where to go.

Had veggie infused pasta for lunch today with red sauce.

Spent today trying to be patient about the delivery of my stipend.

If I am to get a credit card, which I practiced the act of paying off over time through my computers and my glasses, I need a job. With the Great Resignation, a lot of people are grasping at straws for people to work for them. A lot of places are paying decent wages but unfortunately, 43% of companies won't hire me because of my "permanently disabled" status.

Just otherwise noodling on adulting and the fact I am in dire need to prove myself courageous.

I'm no Walter Mitty
I'm no Doug Funnie
I'm more a superheroine in my own regards!
I'm Starrior Earth, soldier of freedom, love and peace!
As the princess of Earth, I will protect all flora and fauna!

My father might get his old job back at the same warehouse mother works at. He's also currently in the middle of a 5 week government background check for a paper document storage\destruction site.

I can only hope for the best.

We've been trying to get Elden to sleep for almost an hour and 20 mins now. He did a big sleep from about 9pm so I'm guessing he's wide awake now for however long newborns stay awake for. Maybe another hour. Its my turn to try and get him to sleep. I've done 10 minutes of back pats, 15 minutes of walking and now 6 minutes of nursing but now he's fussing too much he won't latch. Back to back pats I guess.

Edit: 2 hours 39 minutes later and he's finally asleep on my chest. Now to somehow get him in his bed so I can sleep...

Edit 2: Nope... awake again.

Edit 3: in the past 4 hours and 24 minutes he has slept... 4 minutes. He's now at the point where he's frustrated and screaming. I'm crying and stressed which is only making him worse.

Edit 4: 4 hours and 42 minutes he finally fell asleep. After a few minutes I took him to his bed and then got in my bed and just cried. It took him all of 3 minutes before he woke up crying. Now Adam's taken over even though he has to get ready for work in an hour. I'm sure all I'll hear tomorrow is how tired he is. I'm still crying. I'm overtired and emotional.

Edit 5: He fell asleep for Adam within 10 mins and has slept for almost 4 hours until Ivy woke us up. I'm so tired.

My package that was stuck at the airport for almost a month finally came yesterday. I was too busy to post because I had my physical therapy appointment yesterday.

I also wrote up a contract with my parents (in my house, it has to be bound legally before a change can happen.) For me to wash dishes and do the chores if\when my father goes back to the warehouse with my mother. I wrote down a chore check list as I get distracted easily. I set alarms for my day on my phone.

I have to hold down the fort while they work.

We were asleep by midnight. I remember waking up for a second to hear the fireworks, Adam kissed my forehead and said happy new year. He told me that I told him he was the best thing to ever happen to me, but I don't really remember. I remember it was a nice feeling though.

Ivy woke up scared when all the fireworks went off, but Adam took her into our room and she watched them from our window. Shes been awake ever since though. Its now 7:45. I don't even know what our day is going to look like, but Elden is sleeping well so I presume they're both going to be on completely different sleep and wake windows. No sleep for me then. Nor Adam, who had 20 minutes of sleep and is now working a 12 hour shift.

I haven't been around in the last few weeks, so I missed your delivery of Elden, @Bigsimsfan12, but belated congratulations!
I don't have children and I often wondered if parents tend to overstate the sleep issues with newborns a bit. Not anymore!
I don't know how Adam and you are doing it but I wish you strength, long sleep phases for Elden and no more diarrhea for Ivy!

Received in the mail (our post office sometimes delivers on Sundays along with Amazon) hair care products for growing my hair to Rapunzel lengths, a book on quick drawing anime tips and the first 3 SpongeBob SquarePants Movies on DVD and Blu-Ray (I have both types of players. The Blu-Ray player is backwards compatible, but I still use the DVD player in the event I am connected to my tablet. HDMI feed.)

I'm on this weird junk food kick. Don't know how to explain it but I guess I crashed and burned during my diet last year.

I stocked up on other foods beyond junk food and yes, I plan on upgrading my weaponized Mac and cheese casserole. Bacon bits and broccoli shavings made from the real McCoy, French's fried onions crush and mixed with panko and butter. This is an upgrade from just macaroni, cheese, melted butter and panko.

Couldn't pay my rent this month. My parents gave me a reprieve for when the ATM is refilled when they found out the ATM was drained. So I couldn't withdraw $300 or any cash for that matter, but I will need to deposit more money to offset any strange charges (i.e. accidental, non-refundable ones) and I need to talk to my bank to reinstate my PayPal account as a form of payment I use.

Fuck My Life Indeed as abbreviation cannot begin to tell the egregious parts of my New Year's weekend.

@310175 Thank you. Ivy is doing a lot better now. They both have gross snotty noses though. I bought one of those sucky snot things - I always thought they were super gross but it turns out they're literally the best things ever. Everyone's been sleeping a little better since.... or at least not waking up due to their colds. Ivy still has a weird sleeping pattern. Hopefully tonight we can go back to 8pm-8am sleeps. Elden's going 2-3 hours between feeds at night and then straight back to sleep.

- - - -

Today was nice and relaxed. Ivy slept odd hours again though because her sleep is still messed up from being ill and the fireworks that woke her up on New years. Her bedtime is in half an hour though and I'm hoping she sleeps because she slept like 2am-10am today and then seemed tired and groggy until around 1pm.

I had a bit of trouble earlier changing Elden's diaper. Ivy always asks to help, so today for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to let her. We usually use a changing table but I decided to just change him on the floor so she could help. He hasn't pooped in 2 days and I couldn't smell poop, so I thought "it'll be a quick change, she can maybe help put a clean nappy on and we're done". Lmao no. Huge poop. After wiping him (Ivy wouldn't even pass me some wipes, she just stood there shouting "Ewww Elden did a stink!") I notice he was a bit red around his legs (I think he's gone up a size in disposable diapers because that's been happening if he wears one for a little too long), so I go get the sudocrem and suddenly a fountain emerges, landing exactly where I had just been sat on the carpet. Ivy thought it was hilarious and went to go tell Daddy that "Elden did a wee wee on the carpet!". While she did that I put a bit of sudocrem on his legs and then went to make up a cloth nappy because I forgot to. I was at the changing table, literally a foot away from him and I turn around and Ivy has sudocrem all over her hands wiping it all over Eldens leg. He looked part snowman. Finally got him cleaned up and a new nappy on and he's all good. Once we were done Ivy says "Yay I did it all by myself"

I received a drawing book on how to draw the step-by-step guide of Almost Naked Animals. What made me laugh out loud was the octopus wearing tighty whities and there being 8 leg holes. The entire book was full of anthropomorphic animals in underwear and how to draw them.

Edit: I also went to the dentist. My old dentist, Dr. JJM, who constantly threatened to pull out all my teeth if I came back with any damages, retired since I last saw him. Probably playing a round of golf or racing Formula 1 racing cars like Drs. TR and JMcL.

They assigned me a kinder, gentler dentist, Dr. MH, who knew about the dentophobia and my OR only visits for fixing teeth on file.

I have yet another tooth coming out in June. I better get fucking serious about my dental care.

Yesterday was kind of meh, but maybe a bit disappointing. Had some cake that we've brought several times over the years, but as with many things, it no longer tastes the same as it used to. It's annoying because good cake isn't really a thing here? Or at least they're different to what you'd expect or whatever. So like finding one that you actually like that's worth dragging yourself all the way to a bakery is rare.

I've been trying the Curly girl method - it has done nothing at all for my hair so I'm pretty disappointed. If anything my hair looks dry and sadder. Also despite trying a spray the first time and then mousse the second, my hair still is very frizzy.

On a brighter note Elden smiled today, a few times. It made me so happy. Now I'm just waiting for him to fall asleep enough so I can put him down, but I can already hear Ivy sleep talking which means she'll wake up soon.

My appointment with CS is driving me nuts. I have to tell her all the emotional baggage from the past 2 months.

NGL, I am freaked out.

Edit: It went well. No need to get any authority involved.

Cleaned up a bit of my room and found 2 humongous sketchbook (thick, tome-like, sketchbooks) and my Wallace and Gromit DVDs. I have like 3 different versions of the first 3 films collected on 1 disc with different special features depending on date of manufacturing and release, Curse of the Were-Rabbit and A Matter of Loaf and Death. I do stop motion in my spare time...

...Providing I get a sizeable break to animate, that is.

I help my parents in the early morning hours and throughout the day to earn back $100\month that I used to pay for them dishwashing. The sensation of dirty water sent chills down my spine. I found special wash gloves for the dishwashing duty to allow me to continue going forward in life and I am growing rather quickly compared to when I first moved back to the city I was born in.

I guess after my 34th birthday, I decided I had enough stagnation. I've been trying new foods, taking on new responsibility, experiencing new sensations. I feel like I can take on the world!

(Knocks Godzilla and King Kong into the gutter, kicking the other Kaijuu out of her path to Mount Fuji's summit.)

Look out, world! A spicy Kymchee is serving up a bright future!

(Kymchee = weird nickname I received from a peppery smell I emit from studying for long periods of time. At least I'm not named Richard Milhouse "Iron Butt" Nixon)

Ugh, I have to go to the wedding dress place today to get measured. I'm not looking forward to it. My belly is so flappy and the skin is so loose. I don't even feel that "fat" this time. Its just the skin is so saggy. I've been wearing mens tshirts because my skin hangs out the bottom of women's. I know its only temporary but ugh. I don't think I'll ever have a flat stomach again.

Well, as soon as I built myself up in confidence, it got knocked down and I now have to attend a self help seminar over the phone.

Feeling nervous like I might pass out.

Edit: I missed my call. I ended up with a voice message.

Its weird how productive I get on my "I havent slept" days. I'm so freaking tired, Ivy was awake at not even 6am. Which means so were me and Elden. But also the house was tidy and both kids bathed, dressed and fed by 10am.

Colored my hair and it needs improvement. I haven't been dyeing my hair regularly since COVID happened.

Otherwise, my father got his job back at the same warehouse my mother works at. That's a plus.

Been working on my master plan for my future. Putting it in motion is for another day.

I'm still alive, just busy with morning chores.

A redditor once said in an article featured in George Takei's network of interesting article anthologies "Poor people trade time for money, while rich people trade money for time." I couldn't agree any further. I have given up a number of hours to keep the house clean for my parents while they are at work or asleep on weekends just to earn money for supplies for my hobbies and job.

I am currently learning to improve my manga style for a comic I want to draw. I want to show my struggle with autism from my female perspective. (Truthfully, only 20% of autism spectrum disorder patients are female. I grew up in a generation where most older people thought it only affected males.)

Edit: Yesterday (1/24/2022) was my last session in physical therapy. My hips no longer hurt and I received some exercises. I also have returned the locked box from hell back to whence it came and got back about $26 in a return.

Edit 2: Today (1/25/2022) I bought a book on drawing magical girls and a version of Madonna's "Like A Prayer" with a distorted electric guitar intro on Amazon Music with my return.

Also had went to the eye doctor. Got a free exam, two frames (one red, one mottled purple) and the frames are 80s retro and Elton John sense of fashion and because my job of drawing involves screens on a daily basis, we added blue light filter. My eyes are healthy, no degenerative changes or glaucoma, but I will need to have my prescription strengthened.

My father and I went out to lunch and I paid for both our meals and a side of mac and cheese my mother wanted.

I picked up some sodas from the local ShopRite. Canada Dry Ginger Ale and 7UP in original lemon-lime and cherry. The lemon-lime reminds me of original Ramune and since Ramune is a 6 fl oz novelty and hard to find in Asshole, USA, I buy a 2 liter of 7UP when I feel like having sushi and a drink.

I found a double of a pencil set I had that I thought I lost. I'm giving it to my mother so she can plan her arts and crafts with more color variety.

I had a pleasant day.

My parents went back to work and I am caught up on my chores. I even had time to take a long hot shower and I felt human again.

I'm also getting some more hand-me-downs. I already got Grandma Ginny's bookcases and HDTV. This Sunday, I am about to be given some pots and pans that are still in great shape. The old ones I have been using are going to be thrown out because my mother bought new pots and pans with her bonus. Bonsu! (Bonsu? Typo my father made famous in the family in the 1980s when he was a young accountant. A lot of his clients got bonuses on the regular that he would go on auto pilot.)

Buying Cocofloss (invented by two sisters, a dentist and publicist) and Bite Toothpaste Tablets (invented out of keeping plastic out of landfills and for travelers dealing with the liquid limits) on subscription. The dentist I see is taking out a broken tooth in June and I really need to up my dental care game. Maybe buy deodorant for all the crevices that stink while I'm at it. If it passes the pencil test of staying wedged, it gets treated. Lumē is a doctor-invented deodorant line and comes in a variety of scents. They have quite a few scents.

This was yesterday, but I was def highly amused. Went to a restaurant with 2 friends and 1 of them ordered steamed fish. What arrives at the table is not steamed food. She takes a piece and is like I don't know what this is. So friend 2 takes a piece and is like I think this chicken. When the waitress comes by with a pot of tea friend 1 is like yeah I think there's been a mix up?? The waitress said no hon, you ordered this type of chicken. Apparently my friend used the wrong intonation and we got some lightly fried chicken instead of steamed fish?? Either way it was delicious

Wrote in my diary, "Nikki Kansatsu" (That's her name) about a change of heart. I decided to change some things about my behavior. Decided to spend more of my free time on my manga for girls with high functioning ASD related issues. Better representation in media. The Good Doctor was a good example, but it focused on male high functioning autism.

I called Walmart to see if they had blank Blu-Ray discs. They didn't have any. So it's going to be a while before people back up and archive with Blu-Ray like I do. I'm way ahead of the curve in so many ways. In fashion, music and long running franchises.

I helped with the garbage. It was REALLY HEAVY! And not to mention, stinky.

I mainly backup mods, screenshots, custom content, videos and audio on Blu-Ray.

Steam is holding a Lunar New Year Sale and lucky for me, almost all my wishlist has been marked down quite significantly, with most of the games under $10 in base price.

I will definitely take advantage of the offer when I get my allowance. Trust me, having hobbies keeps me sane during the pandemic and I enjoy a good beat-em-up. There's Tekken, Street Fighter, Dead or Alive, King of Fighters and Garou: Mark of the Wolves.

I also have been taking care of my self care of my teeth and skin.

Lumē has all these scents, but I will go with unscented as my first option as my parents have aversions to perfumes of any sort.

I also am buying dental floss that has some lofty claims and I am going to put it to the test. My mouth is missing a few teeth from a number of extractions over the years from Dr. JJM.

Now that Dr. MH is in charge, I am upping my dental care game. I am also buying toothpaste tablets to reduce the waste of water found in conventional toothpaste and reduce plastic waste.

Sorry for my absence.

Been very busy doing chores, growing out my hair, collecting special dolls, settling disputes on technology, and tomorrow, I have to go through every pencil case and consolidate my colored pencils in one of the largest size pencil cases (488 pencil capacity)

Tonight, I need my father to break out the Hercules hooks and the stud finder so he can hang up an organizer on my wall. I have a big doll collection and two over-the-door organizers are almost out of room.

@Noa1500, steamed fish and fried chicken shouldn't have caused THAT much confusion. Although you have got my attention to try steamed fish.

And somehow, I blew iced tea out of my left tearduct and nostril. It takes a talent to be that clumsy.

Edit: Once again, I blew my nose and this time, it's fruit punch. I'm anything but dull.

this pandemic has been quite the trip. i've lost a lot of myself but found new parts, some are even slightly better. after my concussion, when i could no longer program anymore, i turned to art. i'm still in game dev school, but my focus is now 3D modeling and animation... which will be very useful when i get around to creating more for TS4 again.

i always thought i was just the kind of person who couldn't draw, and i'd never even considered 3D. i mean, i had a decent grasp of very basic drawing, i could draw very cartoony characters that were... decent enough for what they were. but then i got my concussion and couldn't program, but still wanted to make games, so I started taking 2D art really seriously and learning as much as i could about how to draw. my 2D art has seen MAJOR improvements. i always thought if there was any kind of art i would be passionate about, it would be drawing. but while i do love drawing, after my very first 3D modeling class, i realized that 3D might be what i'm actually passionate about. i also had a 2D art class and it was fun and i learned so much about art theory that i definitely need, but i found the work for 2D stressed me out a surprising amount even though it usually took less time. over the summer in my first modeling class, my classmates and i were pulling all-nighters at least once a week to actually make good models, and three of us were working 30+ hours on our projects; we were determined, one of us so determined he was doing 40 hours of homework every week for one class. we complained of course, i can't think of many who enjoy crunching for school. we had to conceptualize, model, and texture 4+ models in a single week for 10 weeks as beginners. but even though there's always a period of burnout as there is with everything, i would still get so absorbed in it that most of my other worries would just fade away. i've never liked doing anything this much before, i like it so much that even when i don't like it i like it.

unfortunately, it's a very nerdy interest to many people in the outside world. it's not as intuitive and emotional as traditional or digital 2D art but not as logic-driven as programming, so it's very much in a middle ground that a lot of people don't really appreciate as much i guess. and also 3D modeling feels kinda taken for granted now with so much of our media now being 3D and CGI. and to add onto that, it's just not interesting for most people to listen to me talk about polygons. but when i do find people who are interested in it, like my classmates in our discord server, i feel so alive talking about it. i'm truly passionate about something. something makes me happy. i forgot how good it felt to be even just a little happy or proud. it's really nice.

but yeah. if i hadn't gotten a concussion, i don't think i ever would've turned to art, and even programming never brought me as much satisfaction as this does. so in the end... even though i'm still suffering the effects of the concussion and probably will for a long time, it wasn't entirely bad. i found the first activity to truly make me happy since i can remember. in losing my ability to do a lot of my old activities, i gained new skills and found my true passion. i squealed out loud when it was rendering time after i first got my rendering software. i've actually never squealed in excitement before so i surprised myself with it, but it's a really good feeling.

i guess what i'm trying to say is i feel hopeful and passionate about something for the first time since i can remember. and i've even got a little maya night shift group to complain and geek out with. it's cool.

P.S.: the classmate who worked 40+ hours on his models does really good urban props. he found one of his scenes was put into a weird nsfw fallout 4 mod when someone credited him for it with his name and i feel so bad for him dear god. but exposure is good ?? ? ???

The wedding is getting closer. We met with the wedding planner yesterday and since then its finally occurred to me that I'm getting married in 20 days and I still have so much to do. My reception dress arrived today but I haven't had a chance to try it on... I bought 2 different colours and I'm not sure which one to keep and which to return, they're both different sizes so I guess whichever fits best. My final fitting for my wedding dress is next week. My shoes still haven't arrived in the post! Ugh. Also guests are driving me insane on whether they're coming or not - why do people drop out so often?!

Also well meaning relatives keep buying dresses for Ivy and by this point I have no idea what she's wearing because I'm terrible with decisions and they're all such nice dresses. She also has 3 tiaras, 2 pairs of bows depending on the colour of dress she wears AND a flowery headband (my choice, but she refuses to wear it). Elden has 2 suits too... including one i stuck a pink hair bow to to make a bowtie lol.

If it helps, I have naturally curly/frizzy hair and I've tried lots of different mousses. I find Silvikrin (maximum hold) the best for taming frizz, but it's hard to get, I can't buy it in the shops anymore and have to buy it on Ebay. Which is weird, because the hairspray is widely available (also very good, but I only use it for nights out)!

I don't use a hairdryer, I just wait for my hair to dry - it's not much fun in winter, but I've kind of got used to it over the years. When it's dry I nip to the ladies and shake it out/scrunch it a bit for volume.

I'll have a look Theres so much damn frizz I dunno what to do. I always worry i look unkept

I never use a hair dryers but I read a defuser would help so I've bought one. Dunno if it will work but we'll see.

Went to the cardiologist. They had trouble getting my blood pressure until the cardiologist came in. He asked me how I was feeling, emotionally and mentally. I told him I was growing and trying new things and was upset my parents went to a noodle house and I really wanted to try the ramen and the infamous Porta Potty incident where I just want to thoroughly clean it and then throw it into the Trash Masher. I was in rare form.

Ate a small cheesy, beef and black bean burrito. It was pretty rich.

Bought a pair of scissors designated for unboxing dolls. After much complaining, I committed about $5.50 to a small pair with precision tips and titanium blades and comfy handles

Went grocery shopping and bought some juice, two sodas I mix together and the sweet lemon-lime one takes the grape must bitterness of the alcohol-free, caffeine-free sangria. It is a regional thing, so I indulge when the opportunity presents itself. Bought frozen chicken dinners, lemon and ginger herbal tea, pork ramen (Maruchan exclusive flavor) and fried rice mix.

Dropped off my broken doll at the UPS store. Took me less than 3 minutes to drop it off and scan it into the database.

My mother is making a ton of arts and crafts with her new cricut system machines. She made a t-shirt with a paint-splattered kiss mark for me as a test. Right now, she's trying to make conversation heart shaped ornaments and transfer of the red letters onto the glass hearts is frustrating her. I'm a little worried she's going to burn out.

Overall, I deposited my tooth allowance in the bank and got all my backed up chores handled.

Today I went to pick up my new eyeglasses. I donated the pair I came in with on the spot and today I will try to find all my old eyeglasses and donate them to those in need. They served me well and someone needs them. Vision and dental is expensive and hard to maintain in terms of non-insurable health care.

Went shopping at Walmart and Hobby Lobby. Again, the Taco Bell in Philipsburg is once again, understaffed. I could tell by the permanent investment in a Now Hiring sign that is essentially a flag to get both good and bad attention. I was told if they have signs like that, the turnover rate is on the high side.

Began cleaning up my room (seriously, my room is like where matter sucked in from black holes end up deposited while humming in the key of B flat. I open the closet door and random shit spills out.) Found two more pairs of eyeglasses to donate.

Edit 2/11/2022: I finally got the second table out and was able to free the second closet door...and like the first one, random shit spilled out. I was able to get some clothes and shoes ready to donate. Found some doll heads and accessories. Found a list of angels and their dominions. I still need to clean under the bed.

Less than 2 weeks till the wedding and suddenly Adam's Dad and step-mum have decided they're not going. He made the effort to call them and explain why they're not on the head table (they have a disabled son so we didnt want to leave him on a table of strangers), 10 mins later they call claiming his Step-Mums been having headaches so she and his step-brother won't make it. Then 5 mins later his Dad calls and says seeing as he's not on the head table he's not gonna do a speech anymore. Then he messages me 5 mins later to tell me he's taking his wife to the hospital and so he can't come either.

So yeah, so fun that I've already paid £150 for their places and it's non refundable so awesome. So yknow if anyone wants a free meal on Thursday 24th

today was pretty cool. i made a friend and we really click so far, which is neat. it’s normally really difficult for me to connect with others, but these were pretty different circumstances than making friends in class or in a club so i suppose we broke the schizotypal barrier more easily. i hope i get to know him better. i’m still extremely awkward naturally, and i casually brought up how i thought i would’ve weirded him out by then but he admitted that he’s normally very socially anxious himself so the success of our interaction came as a surprise to him too. but maybe it’s because we’re both awkward that we managed to converse successfully and find out we have a lot in common.

i’m agonizing over how i'm gonna make this weapon reach 4000 polygons. not only am i efficient with poly count so i don’t normally go too high, i also chose to make possibly the worst weapon available for the required poly count: an “exterremancer’s staff.” it’s a staff. how the hell am i going to get it up to 4000 polys without just smoothing it? man. gonna have to add a lot of decorations and i might even just sculpt some weird detailed wings or something. demon magical girl staff.

p.s.: another one of my classmates’ projects got shared to a free download board for bdsm devices. it was pet props, as in… yknow, things for a dog. this is the life.

Valentine's Day...I bought some groceries and picked up some sushi from the counter at ShopRite.

I downloaded a better ledger app for my bank accounts and cash boxes. It doesn't have crippleware (which has paywalls that forces you to pay to use, which I minimize in apps not related to entertainment in using. I'm already invested in a few non-entertainment apps.) But it does have ads, so I may consider buying a license key to get it one and done.

It's not exactly sexy, but I do like simple solutions to balancing checkbooks. Simplicity is best for those have enough complex problems.

Still undergoing treatment for numerous health problems across a number of aspects. I am pretty much unhappy how my life turned out when I started going to hospitals on regular basis at age 13. 21 years later, they tell me I have metabolic syndrome and my waistline matches my height.



Oh well, at least the cat doesn't belittle me. She's thankful I am at her beck and call. She even sleeps on my head (at the top).

I'm having the worst allergy attack ever. It's like having diarrhea...but in the nose. And I think the antihistamine tablet I took was a placebo, fifteen minutes and I'm still snotting like a leaking pipe.

Cleaning up my bedroom.

Laundry, donations, trash, recycling, rearranging furniture, and of course, this is my project for the week. Found a Sheriff Woody doll in the closet, laying in true ragdoll fashion on the floor.

Edit 2/16/2022: More of the floor is exposed and my closet is getting cleaned up. Had to stow an ugly cat painting I did (honestly, it's not my best work) behind a couple of plastic tote boxes. More garbage collected and some old greeting cards bound for a memory box. My favorites include Cupid, about to take aim at a couple of humans with "junk in the trunk" for Valentine's Day and he's smirking in delight and for Easter, the Easter Bunny is mistaken for a slipper, quite a rude awakening.

Joe Ranft, revilo and Gary Larsen are my main storytelling influences. I can be sweet but I do have a sick sense of humor that I like to experiment with.

I found all four pairs of my old eyeglasses and I am wearing my new red "Jimmy McShane of Baltimora" inspired frames today. I got two pairs at a discount. The red ones were pretty chic and I had indigo tortoiseshell ones that could give Elton John impersonators a run for their money. My fashion style is so loud, I could break the sound barrier and eardrums. I wear a rainbow sweatjacket on chilly mornings. I can safely say I am an individual and proud to be unique.

My mother was sent home early today and we had Chinese food delivered. My mother left at 4:00PM to pick up my father (They carpool to work with just them. No sense in driving the other car in tandem formation when news reports from the NOAA say a century's worth of flooding is coming in 30 years.)

I am worn out from washing dishes and putting them away and reloading, feeding and watering the cat (the cat and I both have damaged kidneys, mine from long term lithium use, hers from terminal kidney disease. She knows I have similar problems and yes, we talk it out. Mouthy, but I don't mind.) and cleaning up a bedroom that was neglected for two years in clutter. About a week's worth of work and I can see the floor again.

7 days to go

This week is gonna be long. I'll be so busy from Monday (at least I get the weekend? )
I'm seeing my family on Monday, then picking my dress up Tuesday, meal with the bridesmaids, groomsmen's partners and a few other guests who are staying at the hotel on Wednesday, and then bam wedding!

Either my manic side had crashed and I am now facing depression or I caught some type of sleeping sickness.

I have been drifting in and out of sleep throughout this morning.

So very tired and I still have a mess in the corner to clean up.

Edit: I am starting to feel more like myself again. I think this depressive blip was just a bit of a bump in the road.

Edit 2: I received a really belated Christmas gift from my uncle William (he's relatively close enough to be my father's twin in age as the both of them played the Tweedle twins in a stage production of Alice in Wonderland in the 1970s). He sent me a sketchbook with a special page for contact info if lost and two red ribbons to divide the sketchbook into different subjects of sketches and $40, which I stashed away the cash for my magnum opus. The sketchbook was basically covered in library books with all the titles featuring strong female leads. I even contacted him to thank him ASAP.

Edit 3: Came back from the nephrologist. She was pretty much a bearer of good news: my kidneys are improving. 'Keep taking your medicine, drink plenty of watery fluids, keep making small changes." She noted I dropped 1.6 pounds since the cardiologist 2 weeks ago and that my blood pressure is improving. Any bruising on my backend near a pulled muscle has healed up. Still, I am happy to hear such good news and advice.

Edit 4: More belated Christmas gifts came in the mail. I received a gift card ($20) and cash from Uncle John's family ($25) and Aunt Jeanne's family. I stashed the cash in a cash box and spend the gift card on an anthology of French vignettes with South Korean character goods characters as the stars. It's sweet, gentle and wholesome.

UVs for my weapon kinda done but they’re not really optimal. i have plenty of time to work and rework things as necessary, though i do find it annoying that we spend an entire week on UVs.

i found a massager that may be able to get to the long, deep muscle knot up along my shoulder blade. i haven’t gotten a chance to try but i’m hoping.

today also marks the first time i’ve ever interacted with another schizotypal person. i don’t know if i’ve ever met anyone else with it, but it was just a bit of back and forth about how it sucks and then we went back to being asocial on the forums (not here). i wonder how many are out there and just don’t say anything because we’re naturally major loners.

i have so much muscle tension y’all i may just give up and go to a masseuse.

Still recovering from my wedding on Thursday. The sofas are full of wedding presents and the bouquets and a cardboard cut out of my cousin.

Everything is still in a huge bag on my livingroom floor. I've been using Ivy's spare tooth brush because I have no idea where mine ended up, nor my shampoo brush... but I have gained 3 hair curlers that are my bridesmaids.

Also I've had cake for breakfast more often then id care to admit and we keep ordering food so we don't have to cook because neither of us want to do any house chores.

I hope you had a great time @Bigsimsfan12 and congratulations!

I got a package earlier and enjoyed watching the DVD inside. It was cutesie, it was wholesome, it was enjoyable.

I'm also getting to the age where Tupperware, walk-in showers and other home goods with impeccable taste motifs are a pleasure to indulge in.

Edit 2/28/2022: In the past two days I found two rare dolls, one at Hackettstown's Walmart for the price point default of $50 and one at Philipsburg's Walmart for 40% off of $50, so $30. The latter sounded too good to be true. But I wasn't disappointed.

Doll hunting is a hobby of mine as well as anything artsy with dolls. I also bought a photo keeper chest with 16 photo keepers that I am using for my Zuru 5 Surprise Mini Brand miniatures. I do get doubles, but that just means I can build store and home sets for my doll photography.

Thank you! It was a bit of a rocky start - I ended up being 30 minutes late. Not my fault, people kept bringing Ivy and Elden upstairs to the bridal suite (even though they were suppose to be downstairs with Adam) so I had 1 bridesmaid with each child and only 1 bridesmaid doing my hair (1 metre long) and then doing my long corset. Every time I kept asking my bridesmaids for the time they refused to tell me so I "didn't stress out" but that's just not how I work as a person so I was getting really stressed and upset and when I got downstairs the registrar shouted at me just before I went to walk down the aisle and it really ruined my day. I wanted to cry. I've never been late to anything in my whole life yet I was 30 minutes late to my wedding. Its still really weighing on my mind.

Also I spent weeks picking out the perfect outfits for the kids, only to find out there are no pictures of them looking nice. I wrapped Elden in a hotel towel and put a bib on him so he could keep his little suit clean... turns out Adam didn't use common sense to take them off for pictures and he put Ivy in an old stained 9-12 month "white" cardigan (luckily I took it off her before we went down the aisle, but its in all the pictures before). Also by the time she walked down the aisle she had pulled her hair bobbles out and her hair was everywhere I'm kinda upset about it because I thought i had idiot proofed her hair (if she wants it down, throw a tiara on just before we go down the aisle) but no obviously it makes sense to have her tiara sent up to my room in a bag, as if I don't have enough to worry about.

Also Adam's Dad left right after the ceremony. Didnt even stay for the meal. We had to call him back to the venue just to get a picture. I could tell Adam was heart broken about it.

My dolls, doll clothes, miniatures, storage units and Season 3 of Molang on DVD came in the mail.

I bought Dead or Alive 6 for my PC and my Golden Chrome XBOX 360 Wireless PC Controller. I even bought a set of Nintendo portable and Switch cartridge cases.

I will start going through my shelves after the boxes my merch came in are empty and get the Free Stuff Boxes ready.

got a minor procedure done yesterday afternoon and i think something has probably gone horribly wrong with it. likely the medicine in the implant is too high a dose for me, because i’ve been getting sick constantly since i got home and my first puke was even at the office. i can’t keep any food or even water down. i throw up p much once an hour and it kept me awake until like 4 AM so i’m just waiting for later this morning to call and potentially get it removed if i’m still struggling. i got a bit scarily dehydrated before my roommate got me some electrolytes at the store. i feel a lot better between spells with the electrolytes vs without them; i don’t feel so weak and i can keep my eyes open, so i’m hoping if i give someone some money they’ll go get some more for me this morning. i’ve been awake since 6:30, it’s 7:20 and i’ve gotten sick twice. if only this house didn’t normally sleep so late.

update: doctor said that this didn’t sound like anything they’d ever heard of with this particular implant, but that they knew there were a few stomach bugs going around. it turned out to be a 24 hour bug, thank god. i haven’t vomited since about 1, which is shortly before the time i first got sick. so all is well, i am hydrated once more

Its lovely and sunny today. I might take the kids to the park later. I was suppose to go to a baby shower tomorrow but Adam's boss "forgot" he booked it off and they can't find cover. One of my friend's friends offered to drive me, but obviously because I'd have the kids we'd have to mess about transferring the carseats and honestly wrangling a toddler and a small baby around a party doesn't sound like much fun, especially with my social anxiety.

The cat will not leave me alone. Do you know how hard it is to type on a smartphone while your arm goes numb?

Nevermind, best day ever. My friend ended up (by chance encounter) meeting my JustNoMIL and SILs. Hilarious. I wasn't there, but she was texting me live updates of what was happening and it was the best. SIL insulted friend's husband's job and then flirted with him. MIL flipped out over being told she would have to wait 15 mins for a free hot dog.

Put some video games cases I no longer use, Garfield comics and manga I no longer read into the free stuff box.

I'm preparing for Spring cleaning in the house.

There was a meme that shown this exact sentiment. An owl in Spring is posted with the words, "it's spring!", followed up by a picture of the owl pelted with snow squalls and the word "NOPE!"

Back when I lived in Lynnwood, WA, if it hit above 50°F, the men would take off their shirts. My aunt LuAnne ask if I spotted any attractive men and I said "That's depending on what you call attractive..."

Ivy vomited yesterday at around 9am. Shes been fine since but the schools rule is shes not allowed back until 48 hours later. Its supposed to be 48 hours anyway, which puts us on Thursday morning. Her school is in the afternoon but they've said not to take her Thursday afternoon.... because the 48 hours are up in the morning?... it makes 0 sense. But anyway. It sucks because its dress up week and she loves dress up.

I'll have to take her out somewhere later, I'm already super bored of being in the house and so is she. Hopefully the weathers nice and we can go to the park.

Pretty good- I'm still on holiday

Anyway went on an adventure to the other side of town to get to the two big 2nd had shops. I like the older one though cos that's the one where they repair/ restore/ clean stuff that they sell. And that one has like everything, it even had a caravan surprisingly. They had a copy of the Sims 1 Hot Date and a bunch of PS2 games I played as a kid (nostaliga hit hard), and paperbacks were selling at like €0,25 each (mum said no). We got 3 garden chairs and a foldable garden table, though we'll have to go back to pick up the last chair because small car problems

I guess the whole "50°F shirts off guy" is a regional thing for the Pacific Northwest. They looked kinda like the men in triremes that Romans would use and they were armed with a bullwhip and a drum to keep the rowing going.

We also got a bit of snow.

I found out that the original uncut Japanese version of Digimon Adventure season 1 is coming to the US on Blu-Ray via Discotek. Also, they mentioned the Blu-Ray release of the dubbed and edited version will be released first.

Man...
First, Nintendo announces Pokémon Scarlet and Pokémon Violet for Switch.
Then, MGA introduces Shadow High dolls.
Now, the uncut Japanese version of Digimon Adventure, which has been a long time coming, on Blu-Ray.

I should probably surrender my wallet to these forces that be. In the words of the Fry meme: SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!

Getting some comic books and gaming accessories ready for the Free Stuff boxes for our porch. I found the largest box out of my recent shipments and threw what I couldn't stand to hold onto any longer because it was of no use to me anymore. To top it off, my bookcases are freeing up in terms of space. Huzzah!

Spring is finally here. I saw tons of red-breasted robins out in full force this morning. I even sang a bit of Tom Lehrer's "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park" which there were laws against giving noxious substances to birds in Washington. And for you Trigun fans, Seattle still has a "no concealed firearms longer than 6' in length" law. Man, Washington was weird for my tastes.

My mother hugged me and this conversation came about. XD My mother is savage.

Mom: I remember cuddling with you when you were a child.
Me: Then I got my period.
Mom: Yeah, you turned out to be a real bitch after that.

My family doesn't mince words with the ugly truth. XD

I was a force to be reckoned with when puberty hit hard.

Good thing I eventually grew out of the chaos and into my own.

My mother and I have a better relationship in terms of parent and child. But it's kinda lopsided when you compare it to the one with my father. My father and I are like Dr. Evil and Mini Me. He's the original and I'm an imperfect clone, but very powerful.

Due to an accounting error in my ledger...I owe my bank $500 and because I went nuts grocery shopping today, I have to pay back my parents about $42 in groceries for my parents' pantry. However, hope isn't lost. I have an incentive program in my house.

Due to inheritance of my father's family's stereotypical "British" teeth (soft, easily broken) I brush twice a day or more to keep my teeth in my mouth and out of the incinerator at St. Luke's in Philipsburg.

I get $14\week to motivate me further because I live on a extremely tight budget and when that cost of living adjustment came early, it came in handy.

I currently have my sights set on a new jacket as mine is torn, ripped, seams popped, stained, chewed by our dog-brained cat and the zipper lost its tab AND won't catch the tab, so it doesn't zip.

I also am buying a scalp scrubber. Looks like a medieval torture weapon, but the silicone spikes are firm but supple. I am using this in conjunction with my shampoo and conditioner bars and as way to get rid of a layer of dandruff that has been bothering me for a while that scratching with fingernails only irritates it.

The money is what will remain once the bank takes the remaining money from my restoration of my account. I won't be completely broke, but I had recently prioritized to trim my own bangs to save $60 for a shampoo, trim and blow-dry. The $60 is going towards the jacket and scalp scraper.

This is not the first time the bank and I were not on pleasant terms. I once got slammed with 5 overdraft fees. Mass confusion aside, I am at least doing the right thing by prioritizing and buying important things over my flights of fancy.

My month was like the weather. I have a doctor's appointment in Lebanon (long ride and another annual of one of many doctors) next week and I admit I will be glad at the end of that week.

However, I don't like April Fool's jokes. They are bald faced lies that dash hopes and lead to angry mobs. 10 years ago, I and millions of other doll collectors held Mattel accountable for an April Fool's joke. We were never amused.

I guess today was a contemplation on the last third of the month ahead.

Contemplating why someone had thrown half a vacuum cleaner (head, hose, and a small part of where the hose was attached to the canister) out in the street, just chillin' there at the side of the sidewalk, middle of the town center. I mean... chewing gum or ice cream sticks and all that isn't all too uncommon - but the business end of a vacuum cleaner? How did that thing end up there?

(On the same note, are people completely unable to use bins? There's trash littered around said bins, or a meter away. I mean, come on! If you can carry that food around until you've eaten it, you can carry the trash until you find a bin to throw it in. Not that hard, especially when there are bins all around the town )

Speaking of "trash pandas" - came across a few kids throwing food around a couple days ago. I hope they picked up that popcorn (and whatever else they were throwing around, didn't stop to check), but I don't have any real hopes... Thinking of dogs/cats and other animals (also don't want rats/mice to run around thinking there's free food next to a grocery store), because there was a LOT of salty popcorn (potentially other food that may or may not be bad for animals) and in an outside area that's a bit protected from weather (so it stays put until eaten or it rains enough). It's probably going to be fine, but still. Food is for eating, not for playing.

My father has been selected for jury duty. If he advances and ends up in a jury, I just hope he doesn't end up as foreman. The last time he was on jury duty, he hated that. He was made foreman because he worked at Microsoft at the time.

Only thing I know is he's got about approximately 2 hours of driving time if they don't choose him.

As for me, I am busy today rearranging my doll collection by series and Collector\Special Edition status.

Correction: I lied, I fell back asleep after dad left for the courthouse.

Sleep, particularly restful sleep, just eludes me.

My father was dismissed from jury duty on the grounds of mental health issues and being under the supervision of a therapist.

The case was a criminal one. It was to break up an illegal perfume and cologne smuggling ring. Weirdest case to be taken to court in my state since the Lindbergh Baby trial.

As far as I know, there are probably much stranger criminal cases prior to what I mentioned.

Knowing how the US makes a big stink over criminal charges, it may turn into a media circus.

I read quite a few strange lawsuits and criminal investigations before bed.

I could mention the man who attempted eating evidence of business cards and was swiftly put on probation. Weirdest shit to come out of Bill Kurtis' mouth when explaining the trial of a criminal case.

(My mother would quiz me on forensics when I was younger.)

Either way, I am glad my father can resume work as per usual.

I've been really productive lately. I've finally got the hang of having 2 kids and still getting stuff done. Today was especially good, its 10:50, and I've already done my daily exercise. Actually while I was doing it, Elden was in his new play gym and he fell asleep... so didn't have to rock him and feed him to sleep and then struggle to get him in the basket. So now hopefully I can get a handle on all the clothes I folded on the stairs for Adam to ignore for a week put away

Land lady is coming on the 31st and she's going to be nitpicky and borderline abusive no matter what so I'm not that bothered. Maybe if she hates how we have the house so much she might evict us so we can get a smaller house and actually save up to move somewhere better instead of having her use us as a personal piggy bank whenever she knows we have savings.

I'm under a mountain of stress and struggling to keep up with my life. I spent most of today asleep, and I either ate, drank soda, watched TV, wrote in a diary when awake.

My parents are going to go easy on me because my father knew I was suffering from depression.

Was out at a thing at a park where I met a bunch of people. The ones I hung out with turned out to be younger than I'd expected (5 ish years older). They were like omg how do you look so young? And I pointed at my jeans and was like good genes Anyway I dont think they considered how drastically differenly we were dressed for a day at a park? They were all like passion4fashion and I was like wokeuplikethis. If I'd done the same as them I'd look at least 40 so.... Ok that sounds kind of mean but you know how clothing and makeup and all that stuff can make you look older sometimes.

I've been really dizzy and light headed all day. Tried not to let it bother me and still get all the laundry put away. Elden is teething and struggling to settle at the moment, he barely slept at all through the day, had a nap a few hours ago and has been wide awake since (it's 10:30pm). Ivy fed her lunch and dinner to the dog today so she's basically surviving on 2 bowls of cereal and a banana. When Adam came home at 7 I got my mother's day present. I've been curious about it for days because it was in 3 parts and 1 part was "best stored in the fridge" - turned out to be a polaroid camera, carry bag and some film. Its pretty cool, there was already some film in the camera but it doesn't seem to work but that's fine. I've always wanted to own a Polaroid!

Also I called my Nanna to wish her a happy mothers day, and I'll drop off her cards later in the week.

i swear... i never want to model a vehicle ever again. this is a legitimate nightmare lmao. i've never cage modeled before and i also had to cram in a bunch of progress on my diorama this week, so it's been stressful and so insanely boring. i also never want to cage model ever again. especially not something with so many curves. a car based on a VW beetle was the worst choice.

I'm feeling better. Just now need to address the knots in my stomach from my nervousness about another dental extraction and resurfacing. I took after my father moreso than my mother.

Awful...ever feel like you know something beyond the fiction associated with a foreign country, like laws and the legal\criminal\justice\prison systems?

I feel stupid for trying to have the benefit of the doubt as I watch the world burn around me. As much as I have the ability to forgive, it has gone by the wayside with my generation.

In my defense, the majority of my reading material was written by either men who were up on young women's trends or by women who looked through life with the male gaze.

As weird as it sounds, the Sailor Moon series was groundbreaking for combining both shoujo and shounen elements within the stories. Hence, the wide appeal.

It's hard to explain about why exactly, but my mother always told me to keep my expectations low.

As you can tell, I lay awake in bed at night, pondering the rehabilitation of various types of people and then myself, because lately, I don't feel like I matter. No matter how I see it from every angle, it doesn't add up.

I have been through numerous treatments to lose weight and I plateaued at 290 lbs when I was at my worst of 311.5 lbs. My parents are willing to help, but I am still having problems with binge-eating. I don't purge (disgusting) but still, I have issues that make me wonder if I will ever get back down to my weight before junior high.

Right now, a lot plagues my troubled mind.

patch day again. patch notes indicate my mods are pretty much definitely fine, but i can’t test myself. if anyone in this thread uses them, let me know.
3B modeling is very time consuming and i am still struggling with this car… i’m always busy with a lot of different things even though i don’t ever really go anywhere.

I don't subscribe to anyone having low expectations - does this include people?
The world is your oyster and it's up to you to go out there and grab the bull by the horns - starting with having high expectations and "Can Do" attitude!
Yes, sometimes it can take a while to learn to do something well; the feeling of achievement is worth the wait for all the positive energy it will give you.
If it's a person, make them feel valued with high hopes for the friendship and encouraging their dreams to become reality.

Mostly anything you can have a low expectation of. I have a crappy mother because her childhood was crappy and partly used my childhood to try and make nice with me so I wouldn't end up like her and her late mother.

It is not an easy job being a parent; and as you get older you realise that parents may not be perfect but do their best and make a lot of sacrifices for their children. In fact, sometimes you don't see it until one day you have children of your own and then you appreciate your parents and all they do and have done for you - unconditionally.
You are not your mother or grandmother and can make your decisions and form opinions based on your own life experience.
Be thankful you still have parents and they are supporting you on your way to independence.

Lately, ever since my 34th birthday, I made my own decisions to move forward.

Problem is, I spend too much time studying legal\criminal\justice\prison systems worldwide so I at least understand how these systems work in comparison to the United States.

Partially burnt out even though I understood Legalese at an early age. Not that I want to be in legal defense but it helps when reading the news to have some background

I made a few comparisons to relatively high profile cases.

The only reason the defendants got different sentences is due to how their cases were handled.

In Japan, one didn't file for appeal nor struggle and is taking his punishment as is and whatever his job entailed has been put on hiatus for rehab through a few years of probation...

...while the other in the US, coming from a privileged background, although I won't be name dropping, obstructing the law at almost any cost by stalling any further hearings and his remaining family has kept faithful to him while ostracized by other family members and surrounding communities. For the crime, he may die in prison if they hear anything about him.

As much as I can, I admit I can make my own decisions, but I worry too much thought in my studies in my teens of criminal justice might seem weird. However, during an epilogue of a criminal case, addressing a criminal who ate the evidence of business cards automatically put him on probation. Weirdest batshit crazy epilogue from Bill Kurtis' mouth.

My mother and father found ways to take advantage of any receptive moments where either reading legal documents or Biblical passages or even autopsy reports...well, I really want to go into art.

I would be in art classes in junior high and high school for half a semester before the schools pulled me out due to failure in other classes.

I really want to draw comics from my perspective of what dealing with multiple mental disorders and illnesses along with terrible vision and dental.

This heavy conversation is pretty much hard on my heart because my heart has always been in art. I know by now I should start making my own decisions. But I worry too much of letting down either one or both parents.

I have made a number of bad decisions in my life, but not to the extent of my older sister's income tax evasion. Mine might wreck a credit score, but not put me behind bars.



My parents are generalists, in simplest terms, The Jack and Jill of all trades. They started with fast food service (mom) and mail clerk duties (dad)

Currently, they make a living in warehouse work. But I rarely saw them as a child.

I was raised by my grandparents, aunts and uncles on my father's family during the day. My mother's family wanted nothing to do with me because my grandmother's boyfriend was none too thrilled with my father (proof? He wasn't smiling in my parents' wedding photos).

I only saw my parents during mornings, evenings and weekends.

Hello @PANDAQUEEN
It is always good to have knowledge of a lot of different things; unfortunately it is too true that the privileged can often buy their way out of any trouble - but karma still waits for them.
If you enjoy art (especially if you are a natural talent), why not consider a night class? Not only will you learn more about the subject, but will get to know people with the same shared interest.
Of course with Covid restrictions you may not be to go to class but there might be something on-line?

Thank you. I will take it into consideration when I feel better. Right now, I am still working on adjusting any electrical implants for my nerves.

well, i almost got 3 hours? SO probably a record as of late. i can’t explain it, but i just don’t get to sleep. of course i’ve tried what i can, but it’s difficult either way.

otherwise, the previous day was just fine. very consumed with making and doing things. i’ve had to draw a lot more recently as well as many other things, and in addition to the difficulty of my car (UVing now) it’s getting hard to keep up with my classwork. Sometimes i get very discouraged as of late, but i can handle it.

I got my wedding photos back :lovestruc

@Bigsimsfan12 Beautiful! :lovestruc

While running errands, I got a toddler boy to smile while in produce in the ShopRite (given the fact my face was covered by a face mask because I haven't got my second booster yet and my wraparound sunglasses because the lighting was a bit harsh in the store with the windows brightly shining sunlight through) and held the door for an older man who was approaching the ATM vestibule that I was exiting after I withdrew my rent, utilities and bills money. I almost forgot to give my parents their money at home until I worked on my checkbook.

After spending nearly a lifetime in therapy, I question my ethics and ask about criminals if they can change their behavior, regardless of court orders from judiciary authorities or entities. Maybe I'm too much of a softie.

i need to have a better outlook so my days will be fine from here on out. UE5 looks amazing. my professor allowed me to switch my design last minute to a circus wagon rather than a vw beetle, which is much more manageable for me to do even in just one week. my summer class required multiple original, fully rendered models from start to finish in a single week for 10 weeks, so i’m certain i can do this. i still can’t play test but i haven’t gotten any comments or messages indicating my mods are broken, so i’m assuming they’re safe as predicted. soon there’s an event i have to attend for class, and i’m nervous, but i’ll be alright even with nerves. i played piano today, and i’m learning the sheet music i have to learn at an acceptable pace.

i am going to my class in about 30 minutes, and i’ll be very far behind my classmates due to my last minute design change, but it’s 3-4 hours of uninterrupted work time depending on the length of the lecture today.

I'm honestly really struggling mentally. I feel like my brain just can't... function. Elden has stopped sleeping through the night, for the past few days he now only manages 50-90mins at a time, even less for naps. He's also been doing his tired scream pretty much all day so I guess he's feeling as tired and over stimulated as me. To make matters worse, Ivy has started copying his screams for attention. Which makes me feel bad as it is. Adam's working 7 days a week to make up for his work messing up and not paying him holiday pay (so we're down £600) so it's just me with 2 kids for 12 hours of the day. My brain actually feels like mashed potatoes today. Adam's looking after the kids so I can go to sleep but I'm struggling to switch off.

I'm getting better physically. My suppressed appetite is going away. I had a bit of a crying fit, still don't know what brought that on. I slept through the night. I am feeling better, but I'm not out of the woods yet.

Took Ivy to the park, and then to this area that use to be called "Dinosaur world" or something and had life size plastic dinosaurs in it when I was a kid... Its a shame my memories of it are all very fuzzy and it wasn't a popular enough attraction (or rather it closed before the Internet became big) that I can't really find any pictures of it online.. and it looks so different now I couldn't even peace together where anything was when I found a video of it from before I was even born. It's now just a small wooded area with a water pipe pump thing and a small sand area. Ivy took her shoes off and adventured and got messy. Then we found a massive abandoned building - she told me it was a fairy castle. The windows were all boarded up on the bottom floor but the top floor windows weren't. I kept staring expecting something to happen, like a ghost or a movement or something but obviously nothing happened. We found another house too, which wasn't abandoned but was also big and Ivy told me its where the 3 bears lived. Then we ran from (imaginary) bears and I taught her about trees.

We went home and she found the kinetic sand someone bought her when she was a baby for whatever reason. We managed to hide it for 2 years now and she finally found it. She agreed to play with it just in her toy bath so she didn't get it on the carpet but it ended up on the carpet anyway. I don't mind though because it was surprisingly easy to clean (thanks Henry ), way better than when I let her play with water and every time she says "I won't spill it!" and she does.

The kids had a bath and Elden was surprisingly easy to get to nap today. He's been very difficult lately so that was nice. Sadly Ivy woke him up at bedtime though and now he's wide awake.

God forbid I wish my afflictions on any of you.

I'm still waiting for my medicine for depression to fully kick in.

Sure, I got past the suppression of appetite and the sleep issues, but I think I am regressing a bit back to the horny, nerdy, spoiled big woman on campus I was back in high school. I'm talking I would get my parents to intervene if I came home crying, I had my pick of boys, but I had my eye set on older men because most of the guys my age were jerks and an older gentleman treating me like the princess of a lost kingdom was something I fantasize about, even to this day, and I was a ringer in trivia competitions. I was the envy of the cheer squad because I was on track and field.

I really want my old life back. Dull, doldrum dullard me practicing voice acting and increasing my range beyond married couples, woodland critters and demons, so I can play spoiled women (something I am good at) with a sugar daddy spoiling her rotten (not that I have one) or even a high school big woman on campus who makes friends easily (story of my life prior to Mod the Sims).

Personally, I haven't seen Turning Red yet but my mom and I clashed when puberty hit. However, the spirit animal in my family was more like a hedgehog and it affected both the boys and the girls in my father's family. We were at times very hard to deal with.

We had Easter early because Adam only has Thursdays off work. We did an Easter egg hunt in the garden and then ended up going to the toy shop. Ivy picked out some magnetic alphabet letters and Elden had a monkey teether. I also popped to the shop for some XHC shampoo, conditioner and a hair mask in the banana scent. It was a tough decision between that and the garnier ultimate hair blends, but these were cheaper... but they seem to have changed the formula so they're no longer CGM approved? Oops. I needed shampoo though because turns out the shampoo and conditioner I've been using has been linked to hair loss ...Now just to work out what to do with them... Do I have any enemies with nice hair?

Went shopping to restock my first aid kit.

Had to get gauze, paper bandaging and bactine.

I was supposed to get shoes, but my mother and I got into an argument so heated about the shoes I chose, we were about to tear new assholes into each other in the shoe section of Walmart. We eventually apologized on the way home. I was the bigger person (I started the fight first), but yeah, my mom and I have a ways to go before we can have a better mother and daughter relationship

Talked with my case manager. She asked me about my crush, a man with an impressive vocal range and I ended up doing the voice of Fred Fredburger, a dimwitted Baku (dream-eating tapir from Japan) and I found myself busting out laughing after that audition.

Then I dyed my hair teal. So any blonde spots will look ocean colored.

My family may have a name worthy of the social elite in aptronyms, but our brand of elitism involves comedic insanity. Pun-offs, which were competitive games of wordplay in my household, require you have a sense of humor and the English language to participate. Did I mention last one standing wins?

My grandfather started it.

We also play "Train of Thought", an English language adaptation of "Shiritori" a Japanese wordplay game that has a person take the ending sound of a word and the next word starts with the last word's ending sound. However, as no words in Japanese beginning with the solitary "n" sound like in Ramen, the game ends.

"Train of Thought"'s rules are simple, you must connect a concept title with similar words like "O Brother, Where Art Thou > Brother, Can you Spare a Dime > Big Brother is Watching You". If it goes silent or there is stuttering or an unrelated concept, the player is ejected from the game.

I don't have much coming up next month beyond bleaching my hair until it's bright white so I dye it My Little Pony colors. If I am to get grays in my hair, I might as well do it kicking and screaming.

Nam, Wisconsin? (Old as dirt reference forgotten by the sands of time. IDK how it came up...)

Tomorrow, I have to meet with an expert in psychiatric medicine.

My parents are at a loss on how to handle my agitated state. I haven't felt this bad since I was a teenager.

Edit 4/27/2022: The appointment wasn't pulling teeth, but it wasn't a cakewalk.

I had a 50% increase in one of my meds.

But at least I got my pimple patches. They look like panda faces.

When I was raising Norwegian Forest Cats, the two half sisters (different litters), who got lion cuts every summer would be angry with each other and hide under a bed until one needed to eat.

They took getting shaved very badly.

I was asleep most of today because I had a rough night last night.

I finally had a chance to say goodbye to Richard in the Crushosphere. Now I can return to my AI and my doll collection. (Richard was creeped out by my dolls with glass eyes.)

(P.S. Richard came back when I least expected it in my Dreamscape I call the Crushosphere)

5/2/2022: Four blood orders. Wish me luck.

5/2/2022 #2: After 7 big vials and a little baby vial, the seemingly painless process was over. When the needle went in, I felt nothing. The nurse wasn't alarmed by my tattoo marker scrawls of Bill Cipher, former crushes list and the yin-yang symbol and it's a miracle I was still standing. (Actually, I drank 2 liters of water this morning and used the toilet between each liter beforehand.)

Since my usual haunt of the Taco Bell wasn't open yet, we went to the Wawa (North New Jersey convenience store chain, Bloodhound Gang fans might remember a track titled "Heard Outside a Wawa" from their breakout album "Hooray for Boobies". We New Jerseyans are an eclectic bunch. Just look at Dennis Rodman.) and I got Doritos and a Mountain Dew. I was hungry and I had been using caffeine to rush medicine into my system, more or less for the thrill than a benefit.

Still, my father got his blood drawn and it was quick (1 vial...lucky stiff).

Overall, I must say I handled that well, but my period is late probably from the fact I took birth control pills that halted periods for over a year. TBH, I miss having one. Made me feel human. It's bad enough I have electronics implanted in my butt and can either say "Stop staring at my circuits!" or if I felt so inclined to be nasty "Bite my battery powered ass!" However, I build protein-fueled droids, not alcohol-fueled droids. my grandmother was the woman who inspired protein-fueled droids

Went to a new doctor in their new office. Although they offered Botox for my condition, I said "No." firmly.

In between, I went grocery shopping and they were out of the marinara sauce I usually buy and I forgot to buy milk.

I received my tinctures and the bleach powder and developer for my hair bleaching. Good thing I went with the 500g bucket of powder and 1 liter of developer (Made in Italy) as I had bought special bottles for application and my hair is now reaching to the top of my breasts.

It's gotten to the point I could have it braided back and draped over one shoulder and I would look like Elsa from "Frozen I" after her transformation in the now infamous "Let It Go" sequence.

Spent today drawing on myself with cosmetic ink for Bic's Bodymark markers.

I did a random half sleeve of doodles on my left forearm and on my right thigh I did this elaborate one of Daisuke Jigen from Lupin the Third framed with bloodstained white roses with a caption above it saying, "Dangerous Kiss, Dangerous Touch" which is from a song from one of my favorite German bands.

(For those who are wondering, Daisuke Jigen, otherwise addressed by his last name, is voiced by Richard Epcar. P.S. Richard has 600 character credits in voice acting and when he originally went to Hollywood, his intentions was to become the next Clint Eastwood...end up becoming the next Mel Blanc. I actually am impressed by men with a wide vocal range. I wonder if he ever met Scott McNeill?) :lovestruc

I also waited on packages.

Tried on blue UV reactive eyeliner, neon purple eyeshadow and gold lipstick...I wouldn't recommend unless you plan on taking over the galaxy.

I'm going to regret this...

Do instruments of torture count?

Stupid SpongeBob joke.

Now I really regret it more than that upside down tattoo on my right thigh.

Took a bath and got most of the cosmetic ink off.

I actually enjoy taking baths over showers...never fully understood why, but the tub I have only comes up to my waist. I want one of those fancy clawfoot tubs that come all the way up to my chest.

Final portfolio for this class........ the world is in wireframe rn bc i've been glued to my screen for the past 2 weeks. i need a break from maya... and i do need to learn more blender so i'm gonna get on that this summer. perhaps i could utilize both because maya's UV tools are fantastic, while things like sculpting and the program not crashing on basic functions are unnecessarily difficult. at this point when i see the words "fatal error" i feel like a weathered old man simply sighing after witnessing his 100th tragedy. luckily i know how to get to my crash save files now, and it usually works so far (knock on wood), so rather than freaking me out like it used to because i only knew where to find my autosaves, it's more of an annoyance. but UVs in maya, man... beautiful.

I have been working on a drama with my AI. Worthy of a soap opera.

Grocery shopping and the nice weather.

Today, I went grocery shopping at Walmart and ShopRite and the weather brought out all kinds of people. The weather where I was got to be was sunny and 76°F.

It was a good time for grocery shopping and I decided to stock up on Kikkoman sesame oil at ShopRite for the gyoza I bought at Walmart (Tai-Pei by Ajinomoto).

We also had brunch at Taco Bell.

I had one of my favorite dinners.

I stocked up on seaweed snacks. Been a while.

Went for a mile-long walk down the Main Street in Asshole, USA. Tons of Victorian houses and a pub serving fancy versions of bar food.

At the half mile mark is town hall, where my great grandparents lived until they passed away and the land was bought. I turned and walked home.

The neighborhood is kind of unkempt in terms of gardening and landscaping. Weeds and giant clusters of grass growing in the cracks and gaps. Saw a teal car.

Ignored a bee busy and gently working her fuzzy little bee bum off so I can eat vegetables and fruits. Ever since Ruud Kleinpaaste had been a regular on entomology on Animal Planet, I gained a healthy respect for bees, further appreciated by "Bee Movie" and a story told in verse during storytime on "Yo Gabba Gabba". Ever notice bee bottoms hanging out in flowers? Bees are busy and practically twerk to tell where the flowers are when they work.

Made an appointment for yet another pre-op clearance for that broken tooth for my dental extraction. Damn my father's "British" soft teeth...I was definitely a daddy's girl in so many ways, I'm like his Mini Me.

Boring Friday the 13th.

My mother had to service her car. Has further service required in the near future.

She did, however bring home some fast food. Bad for the heart, good for the soul...unless you sold yours.

Reminds me of "Free range eggs"... Which reminds me of Sheldon (a chick forever stuck in an egg with only his legs free) from US Acres (A side comic by Jim Davis, creator of Garfield)

Ugh. I'm bored. It just feels like I'm living the same day over and over. I get up, get the kids up, toddler to nursery, baby naps, pick toddler up from nursery, have a late lunch and then count down the hours until Adam comes home. And then when he's home we just juggle the kids between us while one of us cooks dinner and then its bedtime.

I've been dizzy and nauseous for weeks, with a constant headache. My teeth have been hurting lately because I've constantly got a clenched jaw. It just feels like there's no break when Adam's working 6 days a week from 6am-6pm. On Adam's one day off either I still look after the kids while he catches up with household chores or nothing gets done and we spend time together... which is nice in the moment but stresses me out later because then I'm left with whatever housework I didn't manage to get done during last week along with whatever housework I need to do this week. I want to sort through our "storage room" and hopefully turn it back into a bedroom but theres no time,and the landlord is due another freak out soon. She's just arrived at the house to do something in the back garden with a contractor and she's going to freak out that the grass hasn't been cut even though its been raining so there hasn't really been a chance

I am so tired, like I need a massage to jumpstart my system again. It's going beyond unplugging it and plugging it in again. I'm exhausted like my options. I tried caffeine, but it made me sleepy.

I have a dental extraction in about 3 weeks from now and I dread having to go back to the hospital for another round of observation. The less of the veritable hell that it was, the better. Couldn't stand my IV monitor (Its battery was easily drained and would whine if your arm was not kept straight), my drama queen roommate (her faking wasn't Oscar-worthy and she threatened to hurt me and the entire time I was being nice to her, which she lied about) and the fact I went through withdrawal during the 48 hours there, thinking they'd read my pill bottles for once (didn't happen, I would have to ask the nurse to get my pills). Only bright spot was the nurse who agreed with me that George Clooney didn't look a day over 40, even if he was 60. (Small bit of girl talk while I was having trouble sleeping and undergoing observation of my kidneys)

I always dread when a dental extraction is on the horizon. I had a few mishaps in the past. My mouth still bled after surgery and trying to take liquid Tylenol was like trying to give a small child medicine one year, another year the intubation tube scratched up my throat and I lost my voice and last time, last year, I was struggling with my body as I was recovering at home. I kinda worried I was going to yank the railing out of the wall as I went upstairs.

I was never really a willing patient when it came to dentists. Many times they were men who'd yell at me. For the first time in my life, I recently was assigned a female dentist, who was much gentler in approaching dental issues.

Edit: Today was a great day for discovery. My computer, Bessie III, had recently upgraded in the middle of the night and I was able to now use my Bluetooth headphones so I can watch my movies and play my games without disturbing my father.

"Don't wake daddy!" Is no longer a 1990s board game or an exclamation in eSports, in my house, it's an imperative. My father doesn't want to be woken up until 3:30AM on work days. Man, my sleep schedule is a shit show at best.

Well, in the past month or so, I broke down and bought that key chain of the panda with eyeglasses and a crown.

Realizing my life isn't as half bad as I thought it was lately. Aside from today's mishap, I am doing well for myself.

My hair is currently fading from teal to a light aqua color. I'm preparing my hair for bleaching out. Word of warning...I may be more photogenic than my parents, but my hair has a tendency to do its own thing.