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Original Poster
#1 Old 22nd Aug 2008 at 3:03 AM
Default *Run, Helena*
This is my first story ever, so please give your honest opinion about it and i'm open to any tips that can improve my writing ability Enjoy!

*Introduction*



“But it wasn’t me, I swear!” I yelled, But the man ignored my plea as he slammed me into the chair.

“Yeah yeah I’ve heard that before, now shut up and tell me what really happened” The tall man in uniform circled the room and gave me intimidating looks. I could feel the sweat building up on my face and in my hands, what had I gotten myself into??


“But I really didn’t do anything! It wasn’t my fault!” There’s so way I could’ve done what they think I did. But unfortunately, no one was willing to listen.

“Serena is in the hospital in critical condition because of YOU!! Now tell me what you did to her damnit!”


“It wasn’t me!! It wasn’t me!” Tears ran down my face and I began to shake uncontrollably.


Suddenly the room faded to black, and that’s the last thing I could remember.

2 months earlier


Misunderstood. Angry. Vengeful. I was that girl. I was the one no one could stand to be around, the one who had to fight for everything. The minute I turned 18 everyone who was forced to be responsible for me left me all alone, to fend for myself. I was considered a rebel, just because I opposed the new government that was established in 2012. Just because some president thinks he can control a nation doesn’t mean I’ll just bow down and listen- but that’s a story for a different time. I knew I wasn’t the only one who felt this way, but only I had the nerve to speak out about it.

But all that changed the day I met Serena.
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world renowned whogivesafuckologist
retired moderator
#2 Old 22nd Aug 2008 at 10:53 AM
I rarely comment on stories, but this beginning is so intriguing. I love the way you start it in the middle of the action and then do a little mini-flashback. Your writing style is very nifty, and I love the feel of the pics. Can't wait for more!

my simblr (sometimes nsfw)

“Dude, suckin’ at something is the first step to being sorta good at something.”
Panquecas, panquecas e mais panquecas.
Original Poster
#3 Old 22nd Aug 2008 at 10:56 AM
Thank You! I've already started working on the first few chapters so they'll be up soon
Original Poster
#4 Old 22nd Aug 2008 at 11:54 AM
Default Chapter 1: Strangers


-----

Still 2 Months Earlier

The coffee shop on Main Street is one of the only places I go to relax. As I sat at the small table facing the window, The sound of chattering customers filled up the room around me, drowning out the painful thoughts that flashed through my mind constantly.

“The usual Helena?...Helena?” The waitress tapped my shoulder to get my attention.

“Oh yeah sorry. Turkey sandwich and coffee, the usual.” She quickly wrote down my order and walked away.



I stared intently out of the window, observing the people walking by. Everything was different now. Everyone looked, dressed, and acted completely the same. They were like robots, programmed to be what they wanted them to be, every action of their lives was now determined by them. Ever since he became president, this country has gone straight to hell.


“’Scuse me, could you tell me how to get to that old building on Branchberry Street?” her voice was soft and welcoming. I looked up and was greeted by her kind face.


“Umm yeah, I know how to get there, but I’m no good at giving directions. Why don’t I walk you there?” Usually I wasn’t so friendly towards strangers, but I saw something different in her, and I wanted to know more. I stood from the table and led her out of the coffee shop, I didn’t even care that I hadn’t gotten my food yet.


As we walked down the street the conversation was minimal. I spent my time remembering every detail about her, analyzing and questioning who she was. Her clothes were different from everyone else’s, so was her hair. Little did I know, she was doing the same to me.


“Oh, we’re here.” I said as we approached the tall building. It had been here for years, way before they took over. The building was used as a recreational center and library, but now it’s usually vacant. It would probably be gone in a month or two though; everything that used to be here was disappearing.


“Thank you! Oh, I never even asked your name.”

“It’s Helena”

“Helena…such a beautiful name” She smiled and began to walk away. As she entered the building she turned to me and replied, “I’m Serena.”

Theorist
#5 Old 22nd Aug 2008 at 11:58 AM
Love it! It looks great and is very detailed! Its almost 'minimal' in the way that you have really no way of telling where its going to lead - And thats Brilliant because you want to read more

Can't wait for the next chapters!


BodyShopped /// ShoofleedSims
♦ // Jack.exe // ♦
/
#6 Old 22nd Aug 2008 at 12:11 PM
Really nice! The first pictures of your story (like Chapter One - Strangeres) has reminded me of Max Payne for some reason... maybe also because your story is under "Action". Keep it up!
Original Poster
#7 Old 22nd Aug 2008 at 1:33 PM
Thank you!! i'm so glad you're enjoying it, I was very nervous about attempting to write a story, but I'm having lots of fun writing this. Who's Max Payne HannahSpring? The name sound familiar, is it a movie?
#8 Old 22nd Aug 2008 at 2:47 PM
Yeah, it's a movie (should be in the cinemas soon - or maybe even is) but the movie is based on a game. Max Payne was a policemen whose wife and kid were killed by mafia and it was all creepy and looked like a comic book or something like that. I really loved the story, and since your story seems to have a political/action character, this just popped in my mind.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0467197/
http://www.rockstargames.com/maxpayne/
Field Researcher
#9 Old 22nd Aug 2008 at 2:59 PM
Wow, this is really good. I'm very intrigued by who they is.:hmm: I can't wait for more! :clap:

Just Call Me Allie :)
Original Poster
#10 Old 22nd Aug 2008 at 6:56 PM
That movie seems like it's going to be really good Hannah, I like those types of films (which is probably why i'm writing a story similar to that )

And thank you alliemarie Chapter 2 will be posted shortly.

EDIT: Also, can you all help me pick what category this story seems to be so far? I'm not sure if it would be considered "Action" (because there's no explosives or anything, at least not yet ) Should I change it to Other?
Original Poster
#11 Old 22nd Aug 2008 at 7:08 PM
Default Chapter 2: Truth Revealed

----
Still 2 months earlier


After my encounter with Serena, I headed back to my apartment. It wasn’t much of a place, but it had just enough room for me and my belongings. I hated living here though; the room reeked of mold and dejection. The floor was covered with books that I’d read, they were mostly historical novels. Reading about the past intrigued me, since the past was much better than now anyways. I threw my body onto the bed and stared at the ceiling above me.


Thoughts were continuously running through my mind, I could never rest no matter how hard I tried. I had so many unanswered questions, but mainly I needed to know more about her. Where was she from? Why did she decide to approach me? Why was she different from everyone else? On and on I pondered, until my eyes grew weak and my body drifted off into slumber.


My questions were replaced by painful memories, memories that I tried my best to shut out during the day.


I was only 13…just a little girl. He said his job was moving us to America just for a few months. It was only supposed to be a few months…





How could they do this!? Where did they take my parents!? Let them go! Let me go!!


They trapped me here and ruined my life. I just want to go home, I wish they would let me go home.

----



I was pulled out of my nightmare by the ringing of the alarm clock next to my bed. I was never a morning person, but 8AM was the time they decided the day should start. I pulled myself out of bed, showered, and changed my clothes. Every day was the same, every dream was the same.


I made my way outside and walked towards the coffee shop once again. But then the most unexpected thing happened.


“Helena! Helena!” I heard that familiar voice shouting my name. I turned and saw her, standing out from the seemingly lifeless bodies that filled the street. “Hi, remember me? It’s Serena”

“Of course I remember. What are you doing here?” It was a strange coincidence to run into her again.

“Why don’t we go inside and chat?” She smiled and walked towards the coffee shop without even waiting for my response. It’s like she knew I would follow her, and I did.


We sat at the small table that was usually my spot, but for the first time I wasn’t sitting alone. “So are you going to tell me something about yourself?” I remained silent and avoided making eye contact with her; I never revealed personal things about myself to anyone.


She responded with another smile, “I understand, I’ll go first then. I’m sure you’ve noticed the dreadful state of this country. Nothing’s the way it used to be and it’s only getting worse. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life like those people outside do you?” I refocused my gaze onto her, she really was different. I wasn’t the only one.

“My parents were killed by those men that work for our repulsive president 5 years ago when the revolution began. I was only 13. I refuse to sit back and be controlled like those innocent people. I will not be forced to do anything that I don’t want to do.”


I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She had gone through the same exact things I had suffered. For so long I was forced to hide my feelings so that they wouldn’t come after me. Finally I had found someone like me, someone normal.


“…I haven’t seen my parents since I was 13 either. They disappeared after our plane landed here. They took me away from them…stuck me in an orphanage. Tried to make me like everyone else. But I got out of there when I turned 18…and now I’m here.” There was a moment of silence as we reflected on what was just revealed. Keeping this secret felt like a weight and it was finally lifted off of my shoulders. She stood up and began walking out of the shop.


“Follow me.”
Lab Assistant
#12 Old 23rd Aug 2008 at 1:15 AM
Ooh... intrigue... politics... I like!

The real John McCain

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.
-Albert Schweitzer
Field Researcher
#13 Old 23rd Aug 2008 at 3:41 AM
Oooh...loved the chapter! I loove the story. As for the category...Drama is all I can think of, but I don't know.

Just Call Me Allie :)
Original Poster
#14 Old 23rd Aug 2008 at 9:42 PM
Default Chapter 3: Take A Chance
Thank You all for your comments on my story, I'm really glad you're enjoying it! Please keep reading and commenting, it means alot to me


----
Still 2 months earlier


She led me through allies and side streets and towards the back of an old building. As we stepped inside I knew exactly where we were.
“Isn’t this the old building on Branchberry that I took you to yesterday? I thought you didn’t know how to get here?”

“No I know this building very well, it’s been here for years, but no one seems to remember it anymore, except for a select few, like you.”

“So you were testing me??”

“Exactly.” She flashed a smile once again and led me downstairs towards the basement. This building really had been forgotten about; there was dust and debris everywhere.


As we approached the door I began to grow nervous. Why was I following this stranger here? What if she was one of them? However, I knew that wasn’t possible because no females could work for him. Serena lightly knocked on the door twice, four times, and then once again.


A man on the other side pulled the door open and greeted us with a smile. His hair was the strangest color of green, which was rare because I thought they banned hair dye years ago.


As Serena entered the room I cautiously followed, my eyes tracing and analyzing everything. The man closed and locked the door behind us, and immediately Serena embraced him in a passionate hug. She turned towards me and said, “This is my husband, Chaste” I was surprised to hear that she was married, especially since it was illegal to get married without it being arranged by them.


“How…?” I eyed them back and forth. I couldn’t understand how they were so different, how they managed to survive and avoided being killed by them. Chaste laughed and replied,


“Well, we’re not officially married, but we don’t need papers to determine that for us. Come sit and relax, we have a lot to discuss and not much time.” They lead me over to a small couch, when I noticed a something on the far side of the room.


The figure of a beautiful young woman stepped forward. She had short black hair that covered her eyes, but it still didn’t hide their radiance. She walked right towards me with a furious expression, seeming as though she was going to attack me.


I stood still and awaited her next move. She jumped towards me but suddenly stopped.


“Wow you didn’t even flinch! Fearless! Yep, she’s one of us” She laughed and threw herself onto the worn-out couch behind her. “I’m lialoha, But please just call me Lia” I managed to let out a small chuckle, even though I was still clueless and apprehensive about the whole situation. I sat in the nearest chair and waited to be told what was going to happen next.


Serena joined Lia on the couch and Chaste sat next to them. “I know all of this seems weird and sudden, but please listen and I’m sure you’ll understand” Serena was always so kind and helped me relax. Next Chaste began to speak,


“We’re Insurrectionists, rioters, revolutionists, whatever you want to call us. But what’s most important is our mission: to destroy the government.”


A knot built up in my stomach, I felt like I was going to be sick. Were they serious? That was impossible! They must be asking to be killed!

I finally spoke up, “There’s no way only four people can stop them.”


“You actually think there are only 4 of us? They may think they’ve gained control over an entire country, but that is impossible. There’s hundreds of thousands of us spread across the entire nation. But we’re hidden, like mice in the walls. Waiting for our chance to strike. One person won’t be able to stop them, but we believe that we can if we join together. The only problem is gathering all of those people.” Not only was I no longer alone, but there were actually thousands of people just like me. I couldn’t believe it.


Serena walked towards the back of the room and returned with a thick book in her hand. She placed it on the table in front of me. “These are records of all the people we’ve found so far. Right now there are 2,000 members of the insurrection, but we need many, many more. And that’s where you come in.”


“Me!? What do you want me to do??” My stomach tightened even more, I was definitely going to be sick.

“Join us Helena, and do what you know you’ve wanted to do your whole life.”
“But you’re asking me to do the impossible!” I stood from the chair and backed away from them.


Serena approached me and whispered, “Helena, you know you have to do this. Do you want to live the rest of your life hiding in misery, or do you want to fight for what you deserve? Think about your parents Helena…” When she said those words I felt a pain in my heart, the pain I’ve felt ever since the day they took me away from my family. They ruined my life and needed to be punished for it. I turned towards her and looked her in the eyes.


“Ok I’m in.” I smiled for the first time in years.
world renowned whogivesafuckologist
retired moderator
#15 Old 23rd Aug 2008 at 10:04 PM
What an awesome, original idea. Can't wait to see where this is going! Moar!!!

my simblr (sometimes nsfw)

“Dude, suckin’ at something is the first step to being sorta good at something.”
Panquecas, panquecas e mais panquecas.
Theorist
#16 Old 23rd Aug 2008 at 10:15 PM
ditt-e-o :D

This is a really clever story and it is very cleverally made! Please continue as it has gripped me!

MOAR!


BodyShopped /// ShoofleedSims
♦ // Jack.exe // ♦
/
Original Poster
#17 Old 24th Aug 2008 at 4:42 PM
Thanks HP! and more will be coming soon dont worry
Original Poster
#18 Old 25th Aug 2008 at 12:17 PM
Default Chapter 4: In Danger's Grasp

----
2 months later (present time)


We spent everyday searching for people like us. They really weren’t hard to find since they stood out like a sore thumb amongst others. After a month we had already found 1,000 more that were willing to join our cause, with the help of various teams spread all across the country of course.


During those 2 months I also grew extremely close to Serena. She was the kindest person I’d met since I was forced to come here, and she understood me better than anyone. Some days we would just sit in my apartment and talk for hours. We shared stories of our past, of happier times. I showed her pictures that I kept hidden for years; they were worn and brittle but were the only thing I had to hold on to. For so long I had tried to block those memories from my mind, because it was too painful to remember. But she showed me that remembering wasn’t always such a bad thing.


We were a happy family…my mother, Angelika. She was such a beautiful woman, always kind and smiling. And my father, Thomas. He would do anything for my mother and I. He worked hard so that we always had everything we wanted and needed.


I missed our home in England…I always wondered what happened to it, what happened to them. Were they back at our home waiting for me to return? Were they…dead?


I lowered my head so that she wouldn’t see me cry. Crying made me vulnerable and I had managed to go so long without shedding a tear.
“Helena, it’s ok. You know you don’t have to hide anymore.”


I raised my head so that she could see my face. “Do you think I’ll ever see them again?” I never even considered the possibility of them being dead, I just always had a feeling that they were out there, somewhere.


“If there’s even a slight chance that they’re alive, I promise you we’ll find them.” I wiped the tears from my eyes and managed to give her a smile. “…I should go, it’s getting late.” I walked Serena to the door, said goodbye and laid my exhausted body on the bed.


I was doing what I’ve wanted to do for so long, but it was hard, tiring work. Constantly searching, questioning, and convincing people to join us. We had made remarkable progress, but we still had so much more to do. Would our plan even work? What if they just killed us all, even if we outnumber them?

My mind raced until my body finally forced me to go to sleep, but then suddenly the phone rang.


“Helena!” I could hardly recognize the voice on the line, but I knew it had to be one of us; they were the only one’s who had my number.

“Yeah?” I replied drowsily, I still wasn’t completely alert.

“Serena’s been attacked! She was walking outside of my apartment and I heard two men beating her! They left her for dead but she was still breathing, she’s at the hospital now, I don’t know if she’s going to make it Helena!”


My heart sank when I heard the news; I dropped the phone, threw on some clothes and rushed towards the local hospital. How could this happen!?


She’ll be ok, she has to be ok. I kept telling myself. I was so close to the hospital when I felt someone grab my arm in the darkness.


“Come with me, young lady” I turned towards the voice and was horrified, the man was one of them. I let out a shriek of terror but he shoved his hand over my face so no one could hear my screams. I tried my hardest to get away from him but his grip was too strong.


“You’re under arrest for the attempted murder of Serena Hardin” The man began to pull me towards his car as I fought even more.

“What are you talking about!? I didn’t do this! You’ve got the wrong person!” He ignored my plea and forced me into the car. I continued to try to get away but the doors locked automatically, they had me.

Theorist
#19 Old 25th Aug 2008 at 1:35 PM
NOOOOO!!!
It can't end there! Next Chapter! Next Chapter!!!

This part was fantastic! Urg! I need Moar! :sci:

edit: I wonder why they want (and know about ) Helena? Its as though they Hurt Serena, to get another "one" of them - Helena or whoever they can catch going to the Hospital - Using the incident to draw them in?
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo :blow:


BodyShopped /// ShoofleedSims
♦ // Jack.exe // ♦
/
#20 Old 25th Aug 2008 at 7:10 PM
I cant wait to read the next chapter, i hope she escapes. And poor Serena!
Original Poster
#21 Old 27th Aug 2008 at 7:42 PM
Default Chapter 5: Trapped (Part 1)

----



After what seemed like an eternity of darkness, a bright white light began to appear before me. “Hello there, Helena.” The voice of a man echoed through the seemingly empty room. I opened my eyes and attempted to examine the area around me. However, the light hanging above me was so bright that I immediately tried to cover them, only to realize that my hands were tied to the chair I was sitting in.



“Oh, you’re not going anywhere.” The masculine voice laughed. Soon a tall figure appeared, the man that attacked me earlier stood before me once again, with an irate expression on his face.



“But…I didn’t do anything” It was very hard to speak; I must’ve been unconscious for hours, my throat was extremely dry and my voice was raspy.



The man laughed again and replied sarcastically, “Well according to one of your friends, you have a little plan to stop us. How you could fathom that even being possible is beyond me, but what I need from you are names.” My heart began to beat faster; Who had given him my name? What did they already know about me? What did they do to Serena?

“I don’t know anything.” I wasn’t going to give any information to them. Our plans were not going to be ruined.



“You WILL tell me those names. You’re only other option is to leave this room in handcuffs for attempted murder.” The man grew agitated and began pacing back and forth, rubbing his hands together and breathing heavily.



“I would never hurt Serena!” I then realized what they were trying to do. They were going to frame me for what happened to her if I didn’t tell them what they wanted. And now that the laws were changed the punishment I would receive would be…immediate death.



I began to try and break out of the chair, but it was useless.

“Let me go! You’re not getting anything from me so just let me go!” I screamed as loud as I could, but the sound of my voice only bounced off of the walls around me; no one could hear me.



“This is going to be fun” The man whispered to himself. He walked over to the far side of the room, towards a table covered in items that I could not see. The sound of metal clattering made my heart race even more; I could already sense what was about to happen next.



“This is the last time I’m going to ask you nicely, and you’re lucky I’m giving you another chance. Give me the names of everyone you’re affiliated with. NOW.”



I stared him in the eyes and prepared myself for the worst. “Never.”



“Well, that’s a shame.”
Test Subject
#22 Old 27th Aug 2008 at 8:43 PM
oooooooooooooh dear

Living is a waste of breathing,
and dying is a waste of death...

If you jump, then I will jump too, we'll fall together...
Original Poster
#23 Old 28th Aug 2008 at 7:39 PM
Default Chapter 5: Trapped (Part 2)
Warning, this chapter contains violent themes. I tried to keep it minimal but if it offends you then please do not continue


----


I could hear the sound of the blood dripping onto the floor near my feet…I don’t know how long this has been going on…1 hour? 4 hours? It didn’t matter anyway; he wasn’t going to let me go whether or not I gave him what he wanted.



“Tell me what you’re planning and who you’re planning it with, or I will end your life right now.” He waved the knife in front of my already battered face. At this point I honestly didn’t care if I died, I already did what I always wanted to do; I contributed to the force that would hopefully end their reign.



...My life was miserable and desolate before I met Serena. I spent everyday just surviving, but she showed me how to live again...




These people became my family. They were the only one’s I knew I could trust. They gave me happiness, which is something I haven’t felt in a long time…I could never betray them.



The pain of hair being ripped out of my head pulled me out of my unconscious state. “Now’s not the time for sleeping! Answer me!! Now!” He was enraged; I could sense that it would soon be the end for me.



But then suddenly another man entered the room. “That’s enough.” He wore the same uniform as them, but it was a slightly lighter color.

“But I haven’t gotten anything out of her yet.” The man in front of me replied.

“I said that’s enough!” He approached me, untied my arms from the chair, and began to lead me out of the room. It was difficult for me to stand, my body was so weak.



He lead me down a corridor filled with cells, there were doors on each side, frail bodies were visible through the openings. He led me into the last room in the hall and pushed me inside.



“You’re going to be in here for awhile, so get comfortable.” He then left the room and locked the door behind him. I laid on the cold floor and did nothing, I was too tired to fight anymore.



All sense of time was lost since the moment I entered this place. A small barred window was the only light source I had and I noticed that they only brought food to me after every three sunsets. It was never enough, but it kept me alive; which is what they wanted.



Once every two nights they would question me again…opening wounds so they would never heal…doing everything they could to hurt me. But I never gave them the names they wanted. Eventually the amount of food grew more and more scarce. I could tell that they were getting frustrated with me; they were going to let me die soon.



I spent most of my time in the corner of the empty room, not really thinking or planning anything; just idle. I wasn’t scared of them, I wasn’t scared of the pain, I wasn’t scared of dying; I was numb.

But one night I heard tapping at the window in my cell. I was curious as to what it could be, but I still didn’t move. Tap tap tap tap tap; it continued for what seemed like an eternity, but I must’ve just been hearing things. There’s no way it could be a bird or any other living being. There was no life anywhere near this place.



Tap tap tap tap tap. The noise wouldn’t stop; it was beginning to drive me insane. I pulled my limp body off of the floor and inched my way towards the window. I was shocked at what appeared on the other side.


Chaste!
#24 Old 28th Aug 2008 at 7:44 PM
Chaste better have a plan to help her escape. that is ridiculous how much they keep pounding on her. =/
Original Poster
#25 Old 28th Aug 2008 at 7:49 PM
I know I actually felt bad for her when I was taking the pictures for this chapter

But even I don't know what Chaste's plan is going to be
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