Irony: The electric company and I have been locking horns over a garden variety of issues since June. I paid the electric bill yesterday only to discover they double charged me. I've already got somebody working on it and I would call this comical irony, but there's nothing funny about any of it.

To say that I'm tired of their bullshit is a understatement.

Just really tired. A lot of exams coming up but my newfound interest in the modding community certainly isn't helping with my attention span, haha

Other than that my day has been fine, slept in a ton and worked on one of my art assignments.

Been catching up with my laundry, now that my new washing machine is installed. And oh my goodness what a difference! How did I put up with that old thing for so long? I now realise it wasn't actually washing things at all, it just made them wet and smelling rather too much of Ariel pods, That should have told me it wasn't rinsing properly, and that is the secret of good washing: the wash loosens the dirt, the detergent emulsifies the grease, but it's the rinsing that actually removes it all

Fortunately it has been a nice sunny day and I was able to dry everything outside.That's when I could really appreciate the difference, those clothes actually were clean! Sigh! I'm afraid I spent too much of my life sitting around in laundrettes, whilst living in student halls or theatrical digs.

It's been a crazy weekend and today, I got back to work on keeping my room neat, so I was able to get donations ready for that drop site and dig out garbage that otherwise would have cluttered my room.

There's still much more I have to go through like packing up delicate hardware, untangling cords, and putting things on shelves.

Therapist session was on early today.

I spent most of it griping about how the obesity epidemic in the USA neglects genetic\medical factors when diet and exercise don't work, the common abuses one faces in the academic workforce when you're a student and how something, like an action such as forcefeeding a sandwich down a student's throat to drive the point of "no cake for your going away party until you eat a sandwich" (hence my extreme sandwich hatred), from 30 years ago, could get a teacher thrown in jail today.

Also, the irresponsibility leading to the Boar's Head cold cut recall of 2024, essentially other stuff that makes me crazy trying to figure out why it happened, like medicine side effects that cause harm to someone when Hippocrates was simply "Do no harm".

I was such a mess that I just woke up from a nap. This stuff I just wrote above me? That's the tip of the iceberg when dealing with my current situation.

I'm just human and I seriously needed that nap.

I made kitten shaped onigiri and because my phone was charging, I couldn't send a photo of my handiwork.

I did get a 1 liter bottle of alkaline water and half a 20oz bottle of flat Coca-Cola. Today wasn't that bad 😕 but it was otherwise just another day at the office in the remote work trying to get better.

I found a way of exporting pictures from my Nintendo Switch with my smartphone today. I found an old story cutscene of me and my 9 men celebrating the defeat of the story's end boss, along with a horse.

Today was another drop of a song I had my eye on.

I was able to download it.

I also had fell asleep funny and it hurt.

So the place I'm currently staying at offers complimentary breakfast, buffet-style. The thing is, I'm socially-awkward and a lone wolf, but it would be such a shame to not to take advantage of free food. I have to literally psyche myself up...like free food, your stomach is growling and you're hungry and if that isn't enough incentive to force myself to go then what is?

I head down to the lobby and all I want to do is walk straight out the door, lol. But I kept getting drawn to just rip the band-aid off and just go eat. I go and I try not to externally freak out even though it wasn't a lot of people but my anxiety and panic doesn't care. Because everyone is looking and judging me. (Maybe but most likely no one is paying any mind to me.) I'm so self-conscious and I don't know what to do. Options, there are a lot options and I end up grabbing the easiest food...cereal. Okay, where's the milk? I don't know! It's so obvious how clueless I am and when I get overwhelmed my brain shuts down. I either get stuck in slow-motion processing or I get stuck like a deer in headlights and just freeze which I suppose is dissociation.

Then a man who also was getting cereal grabbed the milk out of the refrigerator and hands it to me, how kind. I didn't see the refrigerator because when I shut down I literally cannot focus on anything. Like a turtle I just go in my shell. And I just freak out internally full panic mode while most, if not everyone, just walks around, pass me, sometimes look at me and just ignore me.

You know, I noticed I've always followed my mother's lead in social situations, her being the extrovert and me being the introvert. Trying to learn how to navigate life for the first time on my own is terrifying and panic-inducing in certain scenarios. And my slow-motion processing or freeze responses is happening more than usual because of the situations I cannot avoid or forcing myself out of my comfort zone. Sometimes I experience mental burn out.

Anyway, I forced myself to go eat more than just cereal and was full. And I'm clumsy and don't have the best eye and hand coordination and spilled a little bit of ketchup on my pants. I also almost missed the step and fell at the mall too, lol. While at the mall I was just walking around and then got lost, yes that mall is that huge. I'm not even sure if I even walked the whole mall, I lost my direction. In fact, I found out I have a poor sense of direction.

I came across a store with these really beautiful ball gown type of dresses all sparkly and embellished. Ever since watching Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella when I was in middle school I always loved the wardrobe and dresses. Maybe some day I'll get to wear one and I have no idea why I start fantasizing when I see wedding dresses. Even before that, that thought coming out of my subconscious most likely. But being forever single would be nice too. I just need more confidence and experience in social situations. I don't have to socialize but I want to feel comfortable, relax and stop panicking.

Now I want to watch Rodger's and Hammerstein's Cinderella.

Also riding the bus from the starting point all the way to the end of the line is so satisfyingly relaxing. It reminds me of my past experiences of riding the bus on long trips on the highway. Speaking of transportation, in middle school I had so much fun being in the passenger seat while a professional driver tested a new model of car. One side of the track was smooth and the other half was bumpy, pot holes, uneven pavement overall. Of course during the bumpy segment the professional driver, he wasn't a speed demon but when he got to that smooth side and hit that turn. Wow! The classmates in the backseat didn't really enjoy the ride but I did. In my mind I'm like, "Yes! Need for Speed! Weeeeeeeee!!!"

Got bitten by a mosquito yesterday night, right next -maybe scratching- a tendon on my hand. It actually hurt more than it itched and left a mark. I've noticed they're more aggressive and bigger overall but that just sucked.

Realizing there are going to be at least 3-4 songs I'm probably going to hate in a few months' time, because the amount I've heard them on repeat the past couple or so days suggests how many times I'm probably going to hear them on repeat the next I don't know for how long...

Anyway, not the worst day - first part of the day was alright. Last part of the day was more a battle of wills and won't-s, so to speak...

So exposure therapy is basically what I've been doing for myself to overcome my social anxiety. Once I get over the initial experience, it gets easier and I'm more relaxed. Thus I was more at ease this time around during breakfast even though I spilled the milk a bit because I'm clumsy. I had to laugh at myself and then clean it up.

An on and off rainy day which at some points made it a bit chilly with the wind as well. I didn't feel like walking back to the room to grab my pullover hoodie so I was going to wait until the mall opened. I didn't know they opened the doors early even though most of the stores were closed so I just walked around and then got lost...again. Saw someone using a touch screen directory kiosk so after she was done, I used it to find Macy's. It maps out your starting point from the kiosk to where the store is. Easy, I found it. I got this cute denim jacket and then wore it because I was cold and that AC in the mall made it worse.

Then I got on the bus, which the bus driver gave me permission to get on during shift/driver change. I never read that sign but I had been meaning to but I guess you're not supposed to get on the bus when it's idling for the purpose of how would the bus driver know that everyone paid. Some drivers are lax apparently, while other drivers are by the rule book. I also didn't know until recently about a courtesy ride where you can be given a free ride, though dependent on the driver that is. I would presume you ask out of respect so there's communication or I've also seen some transportation cards being declined for lack of funds and the driver just allowing them on.

Anyway, I ended up watching the whole movie Rodger's and Hammerstein's Cinderella on my phone. Such a great movie. My favorite song and scene is still: Ten Minutes Ago


Edit:

I didn't realize there are two Rodgers & Hammerstein's Cinderella movies. The first one came out in 1965 which I'll probably watch too now that I know. The one I watched is the 1997 version which is my favorite.

I'm feeling awful...

I had a bit of nausea.

I have trapped gas and it's giving me a hard time.

I took Imodium for the diarrhea I had.

God, I am a mess. I don't deserve this, even if I am likely to get my period soon.

Otherwise, today, I began finalizing my grocery shopping list. We are running into bare pantries and fridge shelves lately.

I am not happy with the above situation.

However, I did watch an episode of The Simpsons in Japanese "22 Short Films About Springfield" and I practically understood almost every vocabulary word I was studying.

I am not sure how to put this, but I think I would need some ginger ale, scheduled medication dosing and rest somewhere soft and comfortable.

I feel like I got run over!

Today is a day of figuring crap out.

I called the electric company to find out what the issue was with my bill. There was a rate change, so they charged me the summer rate plus the new, winter rate. I guess the good thing is I don't have to pay the electric heat rate which is ridiculous.

Next on the list:

A portion of this past Friday was spent scrubbing grungy window sills; the sill for the outside. My way of doing that is with a old toothbrush, something to hold hot water and a microfiber cloth to dry everything. While it is a mindless task, I needed time away from screens, the phone and any other kind of noise. It took forever to get 4 window sills done because I didn't do them in the spring so there was plenty extra filth. I decided in all of my failing wisdom to get a small, handheld steam cleaner, like this.



I spent I don't know how long looking for one of these over the weekend. I checked all of my usual places online. Lowe's, Target, Home Depot, ect... nobody had one. Long story short, there has been a recall on this particular steam cleaner. Apparently people are burning themselves.

https://www.cpsc.gov/Recalls/2024/B...-to-Burn-Hazard

With that in mind, I went back on the hunt for steam cleaner this morning that I could actually get my hands on. Went back to all the places mentioned above and nobody had anything in stock. If I wanted something, I'd have to order it. We're supposed to be beyond the Covid era of not being able to find things even though Covid hasn't gone away. Dingus had it a couple of weeks ago and gave it to me. He got it from work...

I finally had enough and went on QVC's website and ordered a steam cleaner from them. I don't order from them often and I don't spread payments out over time. I just pay for whatever it is that I want and wait for it to show up. What should have been a simple thing was turned into something not so simple. Does anybody else go through this?

With that, cleaning grungy window sills is on hold. It isn't hot where I am, but it has gone back to being swampy from humidity so I'm not leaving windows open. Instead I'm doing other 'fall cleaning' like washing pillows. When the steam cleaner shows up, I'll finish the window sills plus all the other steam-related tasks I want to do such as cleaning the vent on the oven door. The butter knife covered with a cloth and cleaner trick doesn't do much even though my oven isn't covered in baked on grease and other yuck.

Breakfast was good and I was full, but not too full. And it was a lot less people and much calmer than yesterday and the day before, which was mostly filled with people. Yesterday I started getting antsy and impatient but telling myself to calm down and wait a moment. Though recognizing the feeling of starting to get overwhelmed by the environment and my senses start going overdrive more than usual. Talking here, talking there, the gust of air whenever someone walks by, too many people at once, the looks/the stares, noisy kids, the tv's, the footsteps, the smell of the food, the smell of peoples perfumes/cologne, so many coughing, etc. I start to take in almost every sight, sound, touch and smell when in that overstimulating state.

The bus I got on this morning was empty except for me and another passenger. So that was nice, calm and a mostly quiet ride. I walked quite a bit today, and ended up getting two courtesy free rides today. The ride back though was so noisy on a full bus that I couldn't even barely hear what was playing in my headphones at a high volume. Maybe I should invest in noise cancelling headphones? I don't know....Maybe I'll come across a good deal.

It's so frustrating when I really have my mind set on something but it's not available and cannot be found. Like there's this commercial from Nesquik and showcases a flavor I've been wanting to try out ever since, Banana-Strawberry. Because it's the closest thing to Banana since they stopped selling it in the USA and it was my favorite Nesquik flavor as a toddler/child. I finally found the Banana-Strawberry Nesquik in a store and it was delicious, but then they stopped selling it and it's only Strawberry now. All the stores I've been to only have Strawberry and/or Chocolate. Like where the heck is it!? It reminds me of a woman I overheard in the store one time talking about her disappointment how she can't believe the store we were in didn't have whatever it was she was looking for and kept making note of it. And the man, who I'm guessing was her husband, was understanding and I'm also going to guess that he's neurotypical and she's neurodivergent because neurodivergent people tend to feel things more intensely.

Like when I was a child, I could never figure out why every time my cousin would leave to go home after the weekend was coming to an end, that would make me sad and/or cry. And then thinking back, there was usually this type of awkward adjustment, transition period that would take me awhile to adjust to change. Like things feel in disarray and I can't settle right away to re-find my normal.

Or I even struggle sometimes with going to sleep because from what I observed about myself is that my brain gets mentally stimulated which translates to also physical energy and now I can't go to bed even if I wanted to. It's like having too much caffeine in my system, tired and all but I literally cannot sleep because of the jolts of adrenaline. And sometimes I'm in-between worlds, if that makes any sense when I'm trying to go to sleep while my brain is sending energetic, electrical waves of constant activity. Moments that I feel I'm here but not here but that's something else.

I slept well last night and had an early morning power nap.

Currently working on ecologically sound products, like solid shampoo and conditioner; toothpaste tablets, and all-over deodorant cartridges that can be refilled into packaging that minimizes and\or reduced the use of plastics in such products.

I'm finding myself trying to look to other products that share the concept and find where to perfect on it. This was due in no small part of my realization that...

1.) Plastic recycling is currently getting rejected because of the majority of the plastic is not worth recycling.
2.) Plastic, being easily degraded over time when constantly recycled over time, would mean that it won't be of any use as it reaches the end of its life as an non-organic\inorganic substance.
3.) Metal and thick cardboard are just part of the solution for containers for various products.
4.) Metal and paper are easier to recycle than plastic.
5.) The fact that I could improve on existing products would be something to think about.

In other words, it's something on my mind that is worth doing better at for the sake of Earth.

We've had a long weekend in Chester with my cousin, his wife and their sons (same age as my kids). We did the zoo and the aquarium and some other bits and bobs. It's been really nice, the kids have enjoyed seeing their cousins (I have no nieces/nephews, and my husband isn't in contact with his family, so this is the closest they have to cousins).

Back to normality today though. We're eating our way through chocolate we got at the Cadbury store, and the kids have been playing with their new toys from the various gift shops we went to. My feet are still sore from walking around the zoo all day yesterday in my goth boots lol.