"Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a RANT here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antetum. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskalnakov filibuster dioxymonohydrostinate.
Peter: What the hell does RANT mean?"

Peter: I hope this isn't a ripoff like that breakfast machine I bought.
(Cut to peter in his kitchen activating his breakfast machine. A ball rolls activating a series of devices soon reaching a balloon attatched to a string attached to a gun. This pulls the trigger and shoots Peter right in the arm.)
Peter: AAAAHH!! WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ALL THAT?! THIS JUST SHOOTS YOU IN THE ARM! IT DOESN'T MAKE BREAKFAST AT ALL! AAAHHH!

Lois: So doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month.
Peter: What?
Doctor (revealing comic he was reading): Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.
Peter: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Peter/Lois: Argh!
Doctor: This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
Peter: Argh!
Doctor: ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?!
Doctor: Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer.
Lois: Oh my goodness!
Doctor: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Peter/Lois: Oh!
Doctor: My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
Lois: What?!
Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now-
Lois: Please, please, we can't take any more schtick.. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.

LMAO.

Stewie: Now, I'm going to do something I like to call the 'Compliment Sandwhich" Where I say something good, talk about where you need improvement, and then end with something good.
Brian: Whatever you gotta do...
Stewie (flips notepad): Something good... something good... You look like SNOOPY and it makes me smile... but you have smelly dog farts.

How have i only just seen this group! Im such a FG addict.

Couple of my fave quotes-

Holy crip hes a crapple!

Brian theres a message in my alphabets, it says ooooooo. Peter those are cheerios :D

Never fails to make me laugh

i like that one holy crip hes a crapple fomc-rotfl-mao

i always laugh at the one where peters stuck behind Robert Loger in the queue at the airport!
ROBERT LOGER.

-can you spell that?

CERTAINLY. ROBERT LOGER.
R as in ROBERT LOGER.
O as in OMG ITS ROBERT LOGER.
B as in BY GOD ITS ROBERT LOGER.
E as in EVERYONE LOVES ROBERT LOGER.
R as in ROBERT LOGER.
T as in TIM, LOOK, IT'S ROBERT LOGER.
SPACE.
L as in LOOK OVER THERE IT'S ROBERT LOGER!

*sigh*
lmao.

oh and the whole stewie and meg sounding silent Hs which drives brian insane as in: "you can't have cake without cool wHIP" and
"brian your being wHIERD"

theres some more on the newest season but i can't remember them now.

i likes that one

A few:

Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?
Diane Simmons (sighs): Ghostbusters, Tom.
Tom Tucker: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.

(Lois walks in on Stewie torturing a bully)
Stewie: We're playing house...
Lois: But that kid is all tied up!
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house.

Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Peter (In Asiatown): Oh my God it's Jackie Chan! (Asian guy walks away)
Peter (to next Asian guy): Oh my God it's Jackie Chan! (Asian guy again walks away)
Peter (to another Asian guy): Oh my God it's Jackie Chan!
Jackie Chan: Great to see I have a fan! Oh my God it's Ethan Hawk!
Peter: No I'm not.
Jackie Chan to Chris: Oh my God it's Ethan Hawk!
Chris: Nope.
Jackie Chan to Meg: Oh my God it's Malcom in Middle!
Meg: Im not a boy!
Jackie Chan: Yes you are.

Meg: Wow! This looks just like my room at home!
Lois: Yeah! Except for all of the trophies and pictures of friends.

Meg: He's going back to Cecilia? I can't believe I'm actually jealous!
Lois: I can't I actually touched him!
Peter: I still can't believe it's not butter! Hahahahaha. Next week I run for the mayor of Quahog. Do I have what it takes? We'll find out, don't miss it.

Jillian: i was watching this thing on tv about hitler and someone should really stop him.
Stewie: ohhh shes retarted.
Brian: shutup.

I love the episode where Louis's sister is having a baby and their all driving to the hospital.
Louis:Peter why are we stopping?!
Peter:Yeah, I'll have 3 cheesburgers.
Louis:Peter shes having a baby!
Peter:Oh yeah, and a kids meal.Hey, if I get fries would anyone else want some 'cause then I wouldn't.
(Later at the Hospital)
Louis:Mam this woman is having a baby!
Random Man:Hey I was here first!Excuse me but my leg is asleep.



That episode cracks me up!!!!

Also:

Chris Teacher: How's your oatmeal dear?

Teacher's Husband: "It kinda taste funny"

*BEAR GROWLS*

Teachers Husband: "AHHH!!! There's a bear in my oatmeal!!!"

^^^
Read

Brian:Alright,let me hear it
Stewie,Susie,your a girl
Brian:Dude,there is a million songs named after a girl.
Stewie:Oh yeah?Name 20
Brian:~Name's alot~
Stewie:~Bashes guitar~ Go Fuc* yourself ~Walks off

that one is good

peter spits nicotine chew into cup
stewie> oh thats where i put my milk
brian> stewie n... thought comes up of stewie beating up brian oh never mind
stewie drinks it ahh screams
peter spits more chew in stewies mouth
stewie> AHHHHHH

Meg: Well can I at least think about you in the tub later?
Connie: No.
Meg: .................................. I'm still gonna.

&&

Peter: (to Connie) I like what you're doin' with your boobs.
Chris: DAD!

Stewie (his voice getting progressively higher): Oh I know it hurts now Brian, but look at the bright side: you have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know...the novel you've been workin' on? You know the the one, uh, you've been workin on for three years? You know the novel. Got somethin' new to write about now. You know? Maybe a, maybe a main character gets into a relationship and suffers a little heartbreak? Somethin' like what... what you've just been through? Draw from real life experience? Little, little heartbreak? You know? Work it into the story? Make the characters a little more three dimensional? Little, uh, richer experience for the reader? Make those second hundred pages really keep the reader guessing what's going to happen? Some twists and turns? A little epilogue? Everybody learns that the hero's journey isn't always a happy one? (Voice returns to normal.) Oh, I look forward to reading it.
Oh, forgot about this one:
Meg: I miss Uncle Patrick.
Lois: Don’t worry kids I promise we can visit him once a month
Chris: We’ll be his period!

I liked this one from Peter's Progress:

Griffin Peterson: We're gonna build a new settlement. We'll have a happy new life, and we'll have equal rights for all. Except Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, gays, women, Muslims .. Um ... everybody who's not a white man. And I mean "white" white, so no Italians, no Polish. Just people from Ireland, England, and Scotland. But from only certain parts of Scotland and Ireland. Just full blooded whites. No, y'know what? Not even whites. Nobody gets any rights. Ahhhh ... America.

Peter Griffin: Yes, and we should do nothing to draw attention to ourselves as outsiders...
Peter Griffin: [Points at Asian guy]
Peter Griffin: Oh, my god, it's Jackie Chan.
[Points at another Asian guy]
Peter Griffin: Oh, my god, it's Jackie Chan.
Jackie Chan: Hi, there. Nice to meet a fan of my movies.
[to Peter]
Jackie Chan: Oh, my god, its Ethan Hawke.
Peter Griffin: Uh,no i'm not.
Jackie Chan: Sorry my mistake.
Jackie Chan: [At Chris]
Jackie Chan: Oh, my god, it's Ethan Hawke.
Meg Griffin: Mom, can we go get some food?
Jackie Chan: [to Meg] Oh, my god it's, Malcom In Middle.
Meg Griffin: I'm not a boy.
Jackie Chan: Yes you are!

Lois: I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant! I'm not even sure how that's scientifically possible!
Peter: Life...uh, finds a way...

^ I remember that quote.