Conversation between my 6 year old and my 4 year old:

You can't get up. You're dead.
I gotta pee. {This is the 4 year old}.
OK. But you're dead.

Oldest daughter on the phone:

I wouldn't talk to him. He had 4 stripes showing.

Husband on the phone:

They went to Spain last year, never again he said, too many foreigners.

"I bet you haven't even experienced the Grand Canyon: MY ass!"

I've been a bit busy lately, having to do a lot of running around, coming-and-going during the day, and I think that the possible loneliness is getting to the cat, because he's been acting out lately, or just meowing in kind of a pitiful tone of voice (I'll have more time off very soon, to try and make up for it). I said this a few days ago after him staring up at me and letting out a particularly sad meow:

"Aw, I know I've been gone a lot lately...and now I've gotta leave again...here, have some drugs 'cause momma feels guilty." *sprinkles catnip*

A comment someone wrote in response to this article:

"My zombie-proof home is surrounded by treadmills facing outward."

BEST. ZOMBIE PLAN. EVAH.

"Look, they were black before, but now they're clean and slippery!"

"Ain't no gettur that can mess with mah mcskittulz." (said EXACTLY like that)

"I wonder if sample bottoms are opaque at that branch."

"And then he took his suitcase and it said JOHNATHAN on it in big red letters, but he took his tent and slept in it." "Oh. OH." "Yeah, I know, right? What a freakin' weirdo."

"No, you learn to - LITTLE GIRL! - no - NOOBTUBING LITTLE BITCH - imma cut you! IMMA CUT YOU!"

"I was kind of, kind of, you know, confused a little, you know, about, well."

"Why the hell would they use concrete? What sort of people are these?"

"You can see him. His wood's been out on the lawn since they moved in."

A conversation:

Girl: OHMYGOD HAIIII!
Guy: I AM NOT A DRAG QUEEN!
Girl: Sorry, I already like, told everybody you were. SHEESH!
Guy: It's alright, I already told everybody that you fathered Barbie's baby.
Girl: We're even then?
Guy: Yup

Overheard in a Cafe:

Woman: I don't kill spiders, I just put a bit of cardboard in the bath because you know there's a hole in there.

At a Bus Stop:

Man: 'e 'ad 4 of them an' then 'e fell down an 'ole an' she run off with 'is car an crashed it an' broke 'er leg. They went to Majorca on their 'oneymoon an' their bus crashed an' they 'ad to be flown 'ome special like.
2nd Man: I 'aven't seen them for ages.
1st Man: They've gorn to live in Orkney. They wanted to get back to nature. Last I 'eard she was up the duff an 'e 'ad an ulcer. They're OK though.

I thought it sounded like a fun relation ship!!

"Just munch on a rhododendron leaf."

"And then they got rearended by a lorry, so they're staying at the hotel. She's so sweet."

"They weren't listening so I went up to the front and they just shrugged at me and said that it was just a tree."

Overheard at Kindergarten:

Small girl: My Mummy's going to have a baby.
My own 4 year old: My Mamma's going to have 2 babies. {This is true}.
Another small girl: My Mummy's going to have a flock of babies.

My brother likes to say some random things when I try to ask him a question. These are some of the things he's said.

"You are not my mother." He's nine years older than me.

"You are not a toaster."

"You are not a penguin."

Moving in with friends makes you realize how weird the people you surround yourself with truly are (and by extension, you probably are as well).

For instance: This what I've overheard this past week -

"She'll never love you as much as Oprah does."

"Dude! Why does the Mayonnaise smell like Rum and bananas?" "Oh. I must have put in the vegetable drawer again."

"My blanket is like a furry lover wrapping me in its sweet warmth at night."

"This movie is horrible. If it were a person, I'd dropkick it."

"My hair is turning blue again."

"You still have that white, whatchacallit, substance stuck in the corner of your mouth." -- this morning, at breakfast, my mom was pointing out to my brother that he had mayonnaise all over his mouth. But my mom is just like that.

'Everyone loves a fat fairy.'

Oh, I've got a few. Hotels can be freaky. *rubs hands together evilly*

"She tells me she doesn't remember what the "S," stands for."

"I'm really good friends with a kid who's inbred. He's cool. He only has one arm."

"Or maybe they wanted a unique name? They just sneezed and added vowels, I swear."

"Cathy, stop trying to grope a country, it's not polite."

"Can be seen in public, or cannot be seen in public, you dolt?!"

"But it doesn't detach for another twelve hours!"

"I'd walk behind him, chanting it in French or something."

"You and your big words. That's it - I'm calling off the sex!"

I walked past three men on the street:
"-erotic videos. He says he's from the Faroe Islands!"
"Let him be, just let him be."
"Noo!" and then shows them something on his phone.

I heard you like rap and hip-hop, and this is crazy, cause you're the "ill" to my "society."

Thrilling conversations in Town:

1st Lady: Well, 'e 'ad this lump come up on 'is back so 'e went to the Dorctors an 'e didn't know what it were so 'e sent 'im to the 'orspital.
2nd Lady: What was it?
1st Lady: The Dorctor in the 'orspital looked at it an you know what 'e said?
2nd Lady: What?
1st Lady: 'e said it were a wart and you know somefing? 'e's still gort it to this day.

Man one: I have to wear it because my wife made it.
Man Two: My wife never makes anything.
Man one: I wore it in the garden while I was digging and I still have to wear it.
Man two: Take it off when you leave the house.
Man one: I can't, she has spy's everywhere.

"I don't mind standing in urine!"

They were talking about the shared bathrooms in my college dorm... (At least I hope they were, I mean I did just assume.)

Oh, that's still pretty gross, but funny.

Today in a crowded room at the clinic.

Woman 1: 'People are living too long.'
Woman 2: 'I don't mind living longer.'

LOL!

"Oh my goodness! She's got a three piece string quartet."

"Could one of you come up and get your shampoo?" "I can't - I'm naked."

"Chop, chop, c'mon! I just need to clean my teeth then I'm ready for tutoring... but I'm only tutoring people who have taken the recycling out and are wearing trousers... any kind of trousers, so long as they're on your legs."

Me:"What are you doing?"
Brother: (who should have been in bed half an hour ago, walks along the hall and throws a towel into the bathroom. "Tidying up, I like you told me to."
Me: "Well done! I even saw you took the trouble to hang that neatly on the floor."

"SINCERELY OR YOU GO INTO THE SHAME BUCKET."

"That cereal tastes like tits."

"Cinnamon doesn't rhyme with mittens in this accent, Jon."

"What about my cat, motherfucker? Close the window?"

"Either that or he was thinking about bacon and eggs on toast."

"Just try coughing all on your own and you can start getting sick when your cough gets worse."

Thrilling discussion between two ladies of a certain age in a Cafe:

Lady One: Where shall I sit?
Lady Two: Sit next to me.
One: Where are you going to sit?
Two: I'm not sitting yet I'm standing up.
One: Where are you going to sit when you sit?
Two: There.
One: Alright. I'll sit next to you then when you sit down.
Two: You can sit down now.
One: I'll just wait for you in case you change your mind and sit somewhere else and then I wont have to move.

We have a line at my house that no one understands but my immediate family.

Many years ago in around 1994-1995 my nephew who was 4 or 5 at the time had just learned that he loved to rip off all his clothes and streak through the house. He called it being "Happy Naked" and would scream it at the top of his lungs as he flew by.

Well, one evening while watching him and his sister we were watching Batman and when the line came up, " Have you ever danced with the devil by the pale moonlight?" my nephew streaked across the living room and it came out as, " Have you ever danced with the - HAPPY NAKED - by the pale moonlight?"

Till this day we still say it and have a good laugh.

Sadly, it backfired a few years ago when I was playing World of Warcraft. My mother was playing at the time and I was joking with her about it. If you know anything about WoW the last person who whispered to you is who you respond to if you hit /r. This is the way that conversation went...

Me: Do you want to dance with the happy naked by the pale moonlight? LOL!

Guy who had whispered to me in between chatting with my mother: Huh?

Thinking quick, me : Oh, I'm so sorry. I was chatting with my boyfriend it's just something we do.

Guy: Oh, ok.

Then came the longest silence of my life.

Then, finally - Guy: I was about to say yes.

Even without knowing the context, that's still one of the best quotes ever, IMO.

*Revives...

"I haven't washed my nose all year!" (said on Jan 1st at about 1am)

"When he was a teenager, he struggled to keep his homosexualilililility a secret."

"When I propose to someone, I want to be kneeling in the bath fully clothed."

"There are lots more zombies around here." "Yeah, look, there's one of them." "That's a sheep."

"Yeah, so that's right so then the boys can have a sausage in a bun and a sausage out of a bun and carrots and an iPad."

"I've got a girl here, and it says 'do you like being a boy' and she's put no, so how should I mark that?"