#1
11th Dec 2014 at 10:02 PM
Family Dysfunctions (That means you.)
In realizing that a real-life example of a family that matches the Camdens on the old show 7th Heaven is a fallacy cooked up by writers to say "Any family who is not upstanding is to be eradicated for abnormalities", In my opinion of this perceived atmosphere, it hurts me to say to such writers that skeletons in the closet are normal. My family has enough to make the biology department of the Big Ten universities file a report of a massive theft of all their bones.
My father is a man with a troubled past as the eldest of the second half of 8 kids. Grandma, in life, was playing favorites with him, but he was kicked out of Boy Scout before turning 13 for smoking cigarettes and his older brother, my uncle Bill, was caught drinking and was part of a beer run with the scoutmaster's Buick (Bill was brought along due to his premature male pattern baldness tricking the liquor store clerk into thinking he was of drinking age.). Needless to say, although Uncle Bill was punished, my father got away with murder and degenerated to using various drugs, but his mainstay was marijuana. His best friend was a dealer and pastor's son who went by the alias of "Panama Ned" (he was a redhead and Panama Red, a varietal, is red-orange in color). However, there was a raid and at last headcount, Ned had been spirited away into the Oregon woods. Dad wasn't only a drug user, his sense of humor was offensive if read a certain way, like making innuendos out of innocent phrase. (I, his daughter, tempts men with salacious-sounding job sentences involving that person,) What made relations between the public and him worst was his ability to read people's mind with accuracy. I cannot confirm nor deny my father is some sort of psychic, but my family on his side have abilities some could classify as such.
My mother is very aversive towards drinkers, mainly because her dad and stepdad drank. I was the mediator between my parents when I caught my dad drinking. My mother was upset when dad started binge drinking and eventually took him to rehab (he escaped a few days later, complaining of the heroin junkies around my age) and then a big misunderstanding and I was able to bond with my mother and eventually, the divorce they had in the works was called off along with the move to another town. (We're stuck paying the mortgage to our house,) My mom has bad habits of serial returns, feeding into the house's bread addiction and leaving Christmas lights up year-round and we justify this HOA violation by saying our neighbors behind us get away with pouring concrete slabs without permission, turning their yard into a volleyball court against regulations and although the neighbors on our left built a fence to keep their children from falling out of their yard, it violated permission between them and my father, who is a really good gardener and the fence blocked the light at that angle. You wouldn't imagine the size of the moss killer compound container.
My parents are the type to feed into their madness.
I am not as lucky. With my orientation of pansexual (I love men, women and all points in between. If you're any of the aforementioned, say hi to me and I'll see where it will lead), my ability to see up to 10 years into the future and having enough mental syndromes, disorders and complexes to fill a book, I'm this freaking genius of a hedonistic woman who'd enter a room on a Recamier with robotic legs as no one will carry me and I have seen the advances in robotics taking note of cats. If I wanted a laugh, I'd have someone cover my stomach in warm white chocolate. Truthfully, I can only dream of such decadence as I am stuck on government money and I had only one partner in the game of love and he was lousy. I am dissatisfied with my status and can't help complaining about how I screwed up. I recently admitted to my therapist about my fantasy of the famed members of Guns N' Roses and comedian\drummer Dana Carvey in the nude. I even exploited my father with this mental image for him being such a jerk. Sadly, when I thought I broke his brain, he then reassures me that I need to grow up on my own...Part of my mental problems is I have the socio-emotional status of a 13-year-old girl.
Then, there's Grandpa Ernie. My only surviving grandparent as of 12.11.2014. He's got a sharp tongue. He's got a more highbrow sense of humor than my parents, using any and every word in the English Dictionaries published in the US to bring the house down. He'd find cartoons with puns to be fodder for his next match. So I better not show him that episode of "The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack", he could incite a riot with such nonsense. He actually did start the tradition of lingual supremacy battles every night at dinner. Whoever could out-pun the others wins. He was a military man who married a woman whose legs filled the shape of knee-high stockings (My grandma was Miss Knee-High 1956). They had 8 kids whose various traits would show up in their first granddaughter born through their 5th child or 3rd son (there was an even split in gender).
In short, my family is worthy of a giant book of the psychosis within Catholic family dynamics.
Personal Quote: "I like my men like my sodas: tall boys." (Zevia has both 12 and 16 oz options)
(P.S. I'm about 5' (150cm) in height and easily scared)