My response to the Black Widow Challange.

Warning: Contains swear words, and lots of sex.

---



Hey there! The name's Noir Arachni, and I've just moved in to this neighbourhood. I'm young, currently single, and enjoy having fun, and I can't wait to see all the new hunks here!



This is my new house. Looks good from the outside, right?

...Pity that's the only thing that's good about it.

The walls are bare, the second floor isn't actually finished, some rooms don't have flooring, there's no stairs, and no furniture at all except for a few things I've brought with me.



Here they are. A rubbish fridge and the bog. Oh joy. Life's sure going to be fun sleeping on the floor and smelling like a university student's breathe the morning after a night out.

Something needs to be done about this, but I'm down to my final last 60 simoleons. So I decided to do what every good-hearted women in peril would do...



...Walk downtown in search of a future-housemate to scrounge off for the rest of my life.



This place looks classy. I'll be sure to find a man who has a couple of simoleons to rub together here.

And so I wandered into the Crypt O' Night CLub in search of destiny and the man of my dreams...



...No f***ing way.

C'mon, he's wearing pink! Unfortunately, he's the only guy in here, and I really need some cash now...



...I think I'll wait.



Well, hello Sailor! He may not have the best fashion taste, but this guy reeks of money, and he's damn hot! C'mon Timothy Bui, you have a date with my wallet waiting!



Unfortunately, while at first he seemed really receptive to my advances...



...It wasn't long until it all started to go to Hell.



In the end, I gave up on him for now after he left me and sat down with this ugly bitch and started talking about shoes. Crazy man, wanting that when he could have me over the nearest flat surface.

Oh well...Time to pick a new target then!



Well, he may not be the hottest in the room, but at least he has a better fashion sense. Plus, if I'm lucky I can grab a bite off him, I'm STARVING!

Well, what do you know? It seems he's got a better taste in women than stupid Bui. I think I may have a winner here, folks!



"Hi, my name's Noir. What's yours?"
"Nice to meet you lovely Noir, I'm Justus. Hey, why are you getting close to me?"
"Just wanted a good sniff. Fancy a date?"
"Sorry, but I think this may be too soon, we've only just met!"

Bugger.



However, after a little smoozing and harmless flirting, it seemed Justus really wasn't that adverse to my proposal of a date.

Well, one thing lead to another and now it seems I have a new housemate! He only brought in 3000 simoleons though, so let's have a look at the stuff he brought and see what I can pawn off.



Well, not that bad. Could have been better, but this will do for now.



I sold the telescope, the poker table, and the BBQ. This gave me enough money to have the builders come and start working on finishing the second floor, and I even managed to fit in buying a cooker, a new fridge, and a nice comfy bed. No more stone floors for me!

Here's what the living room now looks like. There's even stuff on the walls! While the builders are finishing upstairs, we're going to have to sleep in here for a while, but that's fine with me. I decided to keep the lamps and the mirror, how else can I put my make-up on? Justus managed to keep his TV and the baby stuff, although I don't know why he wants the latter. I'm not having any kids!

Oh, before I forget.

"Honey, what's your job?"
"Oh, didn't I tell you? I'm a Senator, love."

!?

Oh you little sweetheart! I'm going to give you a night you won't forget after I finish this one thing.



About time... Ahhhhhhhhhh...

After my long-awaited heavenly bath, I decided to go reward the one who made it possible. However, in my absence, Justus had switched on the TV. Any attempt to get his attention failed.

I foresee a problem here.



Eventually, after the sports were over, I managed to alert him to the fact that a very pretty and very amorous woman was sitting next to him. And men say we’re dense! And a good time was had by all…



…Except when I popped out to the loo and came back to find him watching the blasted thing! What have I let myself in for…



Eventually, he turned the stupid thing off. He’s only been here less than a day, and his habits are already starting to tick me off!





Although, one of the things in his favour is that when he got up for work while I was asleep, he went and cooked breakfast and left it for me. Nice, especially when I woke up ravenous for some reason...



...Pity I then threw all of it up again. He must have not cooked them properly, and thus given me some form of food poisoning. Thanks a bunch, you rotten bastard!



Ugh, I can’t get the taste out of my mouth.

Well, given the choice of being sick at home in this mostly-empty house, or head out to meet new people and be sick there, I decided to head out to the Deja’vuo Modern Art Museum and get some fresh air and fresh eye candy.



Meet Talin. He’s not my usual type, but he’s got a rugged-manliness to him that’s quite attractive.



As you can see, we got it off on the right foot from the start!



Unfortunately, the date had to be called off early on account of stomach needs. I must be better now, I’m absolutely starving!



Interestingly, it seems that Justus actually did something worthwhile today. Something to do with black helicopter, whales, and movie deals – I wasn’t really paying attention to him when he phoned, I was too busy eating. In any case, he told me that he had got a big bonus of 45,000 simoleons! Hence the reason why the house now looks a bit nicer than before. Not quite done yet, but it’s on its way!



Look at the new kitchen!



Unsavoury Habit of Justus Number 2: he stinks when he gets back from work. It’s so bad it makes you wonder if prison is really that bad…Hmmm…



In any case, I’ll think about what to do about that later, I actually managed to fall asleep in my food. For some reason, I’m really tired today. Must be all that throwing up earlier.


Unfortunately, it seems all that eating has taken it’s toll, and so I now sport a little beer belly. Justus laughed and called me Porky Pig when he saw it, hence the reason for his shiny new black eye.

What’s been going on lately? If I’m not hungry, I’m throwing up. If I’m not throwing up, I’m sleeping. If I’m not sleeping, I’m eating. What am I, preg…

...

Oh God…

OMG, SilentPsycho... I love this story. This is my first post in your thread so nothing literatic, but this is awesomely funny! If you didn't mean for it to be funny, then you fail miserably and i laugh at you. Update soon and happy simsing!

I love it! Please, please, please keep writing! It seems that all the good, funny stories die off young while the uber-depressing ones last forever (not that that's a bad thing).

Good freaking job!

:D

Glad people like it, and don't worry, I've already taken the pictures for the next chapter, but as it's 00:26am for me, I'll post the when I wake up.

And of course I tried to make it funny Panda. I'm British remember - we find humour in anything.

Chapter 3: Useless Lover, Cute Firemen, and Chinese Food.
---



Oh god no…

I’m pregnant.

Pregnant, with child, knocked up, got a bun in the oven, in a delicate condition, in the family way, belly full, bunged up, broody, carrying the bass drum, eating for two, expecting, infanticipating, preparing the bassinet, storked, stuffed up, too big for one’s clothes, up the duff, xassafrassed…

Oh bugger! It’s not meant to be this way!

My plans were to get Justus to move in, milk him for all it’s worth, then chuck him out and keep the cash and party like the world’s going to end. There’s no room for the little pitter-patter of tiny feet in this equation! The house isn’t finished, there isn’t enough money left, I don’t know how to look after babies, and fat chance Justus is going to be of any use when it’s football season. The little bugger is already driving its Mama insane, and it’s not even large enough for Father-Dearest to put his two brain cells together and get 2 + 2 = 4!

What am I going to do!



Luckily I managed calm down before I had a nervous breakdown, but not before shedding a few tears into a lovely cup of crap-o-rama Instant Meal. Hey, I’m no cook, it’s that idiot Justus which is the cook around this place!



…Not that that’s saying much, considering he burnt my breakfast while I was asleep. Jerk.



And of course, the second time he tried, the bloody oven got caught alight while he stood around screaming his head off before attempting, and note the word ‘attempting’, to put the fire out on his own.

Me? I was fast asleep. Being a Mummy-to-be’s hard work, even if he doesn’t know yet.



Eventually, the two brain cells finally managed to rub together to create a spark, and Dipstick finally realised it’s better to let the fireman take care of it than to let the kitchen burn. I’m slightly annoyed that I didn’t get to meet the hunky fireman, but there’s always next time Justus tries to cook…

And I still didn’t get any breakfast.



Okay, I may not be much better in the arts of cooking, but at least I know who to call. Pity it was a firewoman this time…

There’s also another way in which I’m mentally superior to Justus…



...I know when to give up!



Mmm…Fake-Americanised Chinese Food. I wonder, will I give birth to a Chinese baby if I eat every box here on the table before me?

Let’s find out.

Warning: A bit of swearing in this one. Forgive her, she's hormonal.
---



Well, it’s official, this is the real deal. There’s no way that this can be passed off as just a little bit of weight. Even Justus seems to be cottoning on, although I doubt he’s figured out where babies come from yet. Wait, here he comes. I wonder what that angry look on his face is for? I hope he hasn’t found out about Talin!



“Look at you! You do nothing at all around this house, and you’re larger than the state of Ohio! I’m the breadwinner here, and I want you to clean up your act.”

…This does not look good for Justus’ future…

“But I…”

“No buts! I want my svelte crumpet back, not a bloody embarrassing beached whale!”

…Beached…Whale…

*Twitches*

That does it.

“For your information, Mr Bloody Breadwinner, I’m currently going through a little personal Hell called Pregnancy, thanks to you and your insignificant little man! Maybe if you actually used what you call your brain for something other than watching sports and scratching your arse, you would have realised what was going on…”

I trailed off, seeing the vapid look on his face. I doubt he’s heard anything past ‘Pregnant’, especially with the grin on his face.

“You’re pregnant!”

No, I just felt like throwing up, feeling too sleepy to meet anyone, and gaining an extra two stone for fun. Dick.



“How wonderful! Here, let’s get married so the kid can have my name, and I’ll look after you for ever and ever.”

See that look on my face. It’s the look of a woman smiling to hide the fact she’s screaming inside. *Sigh* At least this may possibly help with the ‘raising the kid’ part of being pregnant.

…Possibly.



Well, here’s a picture of the happy, happy event. God, I look huge in that dress! I think I’m going to need a new one after this. Anyway, the name’s now Noir Wilkie, and I’m stuck with this jerk for the rest of his life. Good thing I'm a good actor, the look of severe agony here might have made people suspicious.

And what does my Dearly Beloved Husband do after we take our vows to love and to cherish each other?



Watch sports.

I’ve had enough. I need some GOOD noukie!



Lucky for me, help is never far off. Well HELLO there, Talin…!



Funny, Justus doesn’t notice when it’s him I'm trying to have sex with when he’s watching sports. I wonder if there was an break…

And what does my Poor Betrayed Husband do now?



Watch sports.

…

In any case, I’ve got bigger fish to fry.



“Oh, I’ll love to move in, but won’t your husband mind?”

“Oh, ignore him. He’ll get over it one way or another.”



‘Or another’ indeed. Whoops, Officer, I didn’t mean to forget to place food in that room before I locked the door so he would have time to calm down!

*Smirk*

So Dumb Justus is gone, Rugged Talin’s moved in. What am I forgetting?



Oh yes… I remember now. Please excuse me I do my best to try and turn the air blue.

Fuuuuuuuck, it huuuuuuuuurrts!

Well, here I am. Dumbass Justus is dead, and I have me a new boy toy. Speaking of which…let’s have a look at what you brought with you, Talin-baby.

…

Nothing. Not even a dime…

…

Oh well, not the end of the world. Let’s have a look at what job you have then!

…

…Gas station attendant…

You better be damn perfect as a housemate, bucko.



Well, at least you’re good at SOME things.



Meet my beautiful little boy, Scorpio Wilkie! Isn’t he adorable? Thinking back, I wonder why I was worried about being pregnant.



Especially with Talin being such a good family man, and because his hours are short we don’t have to spend so much on babysitters.

Pity it’s cramping my style.



Even so, I managed to find a couple of hours for myself. I need some new clothes, as the last lot were stretched during my pregnancy. It’s a bit late, but the clothes store is surprising packed.



Well, what do we have here then!

Joe Carr here needs a new haircut, but other than that he looks pretty good! As I am a newly-made widow, I need some comforting!



We seem to be getting on alright, don’t you think? And don’t my new clothes look good on me?



Very good indeed!



I had a great time with Joe, but time was passing and I started to get hungry. With a kiss goodbye, I headed back home for some lovely juicy steak…



…Which I promptly threw up. I hope I didn’t catch anything off Joe…



Now Talin may not be as good a cook as Justus was, but at least he’s kinder and more loving of his sleepy snuggle bunny. As he didn’t have time to cook before he left for his early shift at the convenience store – he got promoted last night – he remembered to order a pizza for me instead. Isn’t that sweet!



I swear I need to eat more healthily, I’ve started to gain wait again. It’s also like I’m pregnant again…

…

Oh shit.

Aaaawww! What a beautiful baby! And what a mean mum! Although, she went through an entire pregnancy with only two lovers? What an introverted romance sim she must be...
Love it as usual. Keep updating and happy simsing!

:laugh: Oh, this is so funny! And so good, too. We need more funny stories on here. Noir's commentary is just almost too amusing.
(Also, I'm liking her house. Random comment there, yeah, but it's true. xD)

Thanks, both of you.

Glad you like the house lemonboleyn. I've usually rubbish at making houses, apart from interior decorating, so that's cheered me up.

Panda, Noir's not mean, just a little cranky regarding her husbands, the idiots that they are and will be.

Admittedly, it's been a while since I've played through a full pregnancy without cheating, and likewise it's been a while since I've played with a Romance Sim at all. Give me a while to get back into the hang of it.:P

Well, this has made my day. Another round of waistline-destroying, bladder-shrinking, mood-swinging fun. While I do love Scorpio, I just hate the whole having trouble getting out of bed and not being able to see my feet during the later stages. At least I’m past the morning sickness stage, I don’t think I can handle being sick again any time soon. I hope I get a girl this time; too many boys will get annoying!

At least I’ve learned something from my last pregnancy. In order to head off any ‘bloated whale’ comments which will lead Talin to an early demise, I’ve decided to hunt him down and tell him the news.



“Hey Honey! Fancy joining me jumping on this settee? It’s great!”

“Maybe later. Look, I need to tell you something important.”

“Can it wait until I finish?”

“Not if you wish to live.”

“Can I still jump while listening to you?”

*Sigh*

“If you must. Look Talin, I know you’ve only been living here a short time, but the basic fact is that I’m now pregnant. The baby’s yours, so I expect you to help me raise him or her. Got it?”

“Wow, that’s fantastic! Of course I’ll help, I’ll marry you too! After I’ve finished trying to beat the World Record for ‘Most Jumps Made By A Sim Without Dying In A Big Ball Of Flame’.”

…Right.



Scorpio-kiddo, whatever you do don’t try and copy Talin when you’re older.



Well, time passes and pretty soon I look like I’m ready to be stuffed and put on a spit, but am I engaged yet? No.



Luckily for Talin’s well-being, he’s smarter than Justus was and soon managed to catch on to the meaning behind my glares at him.



Here’s a picture of us tying the knot, for better or for worse. Most likely worse.

…

Remind me to never wear white again while pregnant. I look even larger than I did the first time round.



However, by this point, Talin’s starting to tick me off. If he isn’t jumping on the couch or juggling the espresso cups, he’s destroying the place. Is it really that hard to remember to lift the toilet seat up and to put it down again afterwards? Or to not flood the bathroom every time he has a shower? Please, O Beloved Creator if you exist, at least let him learn to flush the loo after he’s been! A woman in my current condition and state of mind shouldn’t be exhausting myself cleaning up after him.



Thankfully, not everyone is as demanding. Tim’s decided to pop round to check up on me and to apologise for what happened during our first meeting. It seems he’s come to his senses at last.

*Grins*

Unfortunately, as Talin was home we couldn’t really get too close, but we chatted for a bit then I gave him a kiss on the cheek and watched him as he walked down the street to his home. Ahhh….

…Wait, what’s that delivery truck doing outside?

Uh-oh.



“TALIN! What on earth is that thing doing in our living room!?”

“Oh, hi Honey! Look what I got, a great Bubble-Blower. It was pretty cheap too, only 1,500 simoleons.” He grinned at me, not realising how close to Death’s door he is right now.

“WHAT! Talin, that money was needed for Scorpio to have a room separate from ours. What are we going to do when he grows up? And what about paying for the Nanny to help me look after the kids while you’re at work?”

“Don’t worry, everything will be fine. Scor can sleep on the couch when he grows up, and as you’ll be at home all day there’s no need for a Nanny. They’re a bunch of old fuddy-duddies anyway.”

…

He’s dead.



For some reason, I think Justus would want the same.

I love this! And I love Noirs attitude. :D

Well, life’s got a little more interesting. I’m about to pop, Talin’s getting on my nerves, and my dead ex-husband is floating around the house scaring the life out of anyone in his way.



Oi, you jerk! Are you dumb enough to realise that scaring a heavily pregnant woman is NOT a good idea! If I miscarry because of you, I swear it will not be pretty.



Man, after that scare, I think I need a good shoulder to cry on. As Talin’s car pool turns up in a few minutes, I think I’ll phone a ‘friend’ to help me calm down. As they say, a problem shared is a problem halved.



Lucky for me, Joe was free and came over right away. It’s probably a very good thing that my annoyance of a husband was too busy talking on the phone to someone to look out the window.



Well, after a good hour of chatting and calming down, me and Joe decided to take the next step in our relationship…



…Pity that Talin had decided to pull a sickie in order to play with his new bubble-blower some more without telling me. Whoops!

“You bitch! After all I gave you, all the things I’ve done to look after you and your son, and you treat me like this! Couldn’t you even wait until after you had given birth to my child before sleeping with another man?”

Hmmmm….I have a idea.

“Hah, you think you’re the hard one off? Here I am, 9 months pregnant, with two children to look after – Scorpio and YOU! Frankly, I’m glad that Scorpio’s more mature than you, I wouldn’t be able to cope otherwise.”

“Why you…”

“Face it, you’re a rubbish husband with a dead-end job who does nothing around the house or even care about the future of your wife and the kids. You were even too busy playing your games to even notice I was this close to giving birth before you even bothered to marry me. You say you’re an excellent husband who knows how to fix thing, yet why is the trash compactor still broken? You’re just a responsibility-shirker!”

“A responsibility-shirker, am I! We’ll see about that. One fixed trash compactor, on its way.”



Maybe I should have warned him about the ‘adjustments’ I made earlier.

*Smirk*

Now that he’s gone, time for a change.



“Of course I’d love to move in, you’ve got a lovely house here. Just a question, you do know that the Grim Reaper is over there, don’t you?”

“Meh, Talin was a dead-end bum anyway who spent all the money I was saving up for the kids on rubbish.”

“Ah, okay. You don’t have to worry about being poor with me, love. I’m bringing in my savings of 17,000 simoleons I got from my job as a Professional Party Guest.”

Cha-ching! Nice to know I’ve hit the big cash prize. Now let’s look at your stuff…



…I love you.

After selling everything apart from the Stereo, there’s more than enough money here to build some more rooms for the kids. I would have kept one of the Electro-sphere, but they reminded me of that annoyance Talin too much right now. Finally, I can get rid of that bubble-blower!



Ding-Dong, the Annoyance is dead!

Life couldn’t be better for me right now.



Uh-oh, I recognise that feeling.

Nooooooooooo, I don’t want to do this anymore! Yeow!

I saw that death coming! But it still made me laugh

This is so funny, i love your style!

'One does one's best.'

Psycho, I love this story! Noir is such a hilarious commentator. Makes you wonder where EAxis is getting the programming for the townies. Unless you're micromanaging them, in which case I shall give a tongue-sticking-out smiley and leave. :P. Update soon and happy simsing!

Ehehe, it's part micromanaging, but mostly using the Sims AI. Talin was a pleasure sim, so he did have wants to jump about the settee a lot, but Justus I didn't even touch in regards to his TV obsession. He really was like that, and even left after he got married to watch Sports, which gave me the idea of that being the reason Noir got ticked off and killed him.

Next chapter will be up in a bit.

Isn’t she the cutest? Meet my baby girl, Pisces Cho, and she’s already wrapped her finger around my heart. I bet her and Scorpio are both going to grow up and break hearts, just like their Mama.



Thanks to the money brought in by Joe, we’re living on easy street, at least for a little while longer. Here’s the house as it looks now. There are two new rooms for Scorpio and Pisces, and Joe decided that a swimming pool would be a good addition to the house. I’m not too sure, mainly because of the kids, but I suppose it will help them in the long run once they learn how to swim. Plus it’s a good way to lose weight from my pregnancies, or so says Joe, who heard it from a model at one of the parties he goes to.

Speaking of Joe…



…He’s a lot assertive and arrogant than I thought, but at least the money for my babies’ futures is worth it. He’s also not very paternal at all, although that may be because they’re not his own kids.

He better learn then.



Joe’s also decided that a maid and a Nanny would be best for the family. I’m glad about the Nanny, especially now that Pisces is here, but there’s something about the maid I don’t like. Maybe I’m paranoid, but she seems to always be hanging around me…

I think I’ve been cooped up in here for too long.



This is much better. After heading downtown for more clothes, I met a real charmer named Ab. His full name is hard to pronounce, and even harder to remember, so he tells everyone to call him Ab. He’s one of Justus’ old poker mates, and recognising me, came over to see if everything was all right and asked how I was getting on. One thing lead to another and, well…



He may not be much to look at, but he’s one hell of a sweet talker!



“Where were you? I’ve been waiting for you to come home, dinner should have been eaten an hour ago! What did you buy? How much of my money did you spend on it?”

It seems Joe’s a little bit of a control-freak. I may have to keep an eye on that in case it gets out of hand.

At least the kids are growing up well.



Pisces is such a sweet girl, although she’s a bit of a sleeper. She loves her hugs from Mummy though.



Scorpio’s grown up great, and loves to play games with everyone and anyone. He would love to get a puppy, and begs me at least once a day. I’ve told him that if he get’s an A, I’ll get him one.



Overall though, despite the odd maid and the slightly disturbing aspects of Joe, life’s going pretty good. I’ve recovering nicely from the pregnancies, and I’m now more energetic and having more fun than before. I’ve always hated the lack of energy causing me to stay housebound while pregnant, so now that I’m free I’m having a whale of a time.



…No way. Please, Beloved Creator if you exist, not again. Not now.

Aha, Noir has quite the personality :D
I adore this, she is such a slut
Her kiddiewinks are cute though, hoping baby no.3 is on the way.
Awsome story, got a few good giggles out of me

great story i love it and i cant wait for more of it.... update soon

Psycho mdear, you update far too frequently. I'm getting vertigo by actually pushing the refresh button and there being something new there!! I loves it. Update soon and happy simsing! *pushes refresh button right after posting this*

EDIT [1:44pm]: darn you.