Yeah, well RL gets in the way lol. But sure, as long as one person wants to give it another go... XD

I'll give it another gander, I had fun writing mine, and its good to have a nice low pressure reason to write.

Guidelines.

- Your piece should be in the third person, she, he etc.
- You have 20 minutes to write this. Either time yourself with an alarm or phone, or use the useful link by FurryPanda on page 1.
- You must have a minumum of 500 words, although you shouldn't go over 2000.
- Copy and paste straight onto this thread. Do not edit or rewrite your piece. Spelling, grammar and punctuation can be revised but without a dictionary and such.

I thought I’d do the critique before everyone started posting new stories.

First – great job to everyone who made a submission. And kudos to Furry Panda for that Write or Die link – very scary site but effective. It really makes the creative juice flow!

clw8’s post
Suggest proof-reading to correct spelling and grammar (the very first sentence “For many a years I haved roam the land.” for example.)
The characterization of the jealous and bitter car was spot-on, great job! As the car spoke, I could imagine her as an over-the-hill jilted girlfriend. I guess there wasn’t much time to give much attention to setting in the story – I get the sense it’s somewhere in the Midwest? Or no? The pacing was good – I got the whole point of the piece (jilted lover) from the first paragraph.

RussaNodrey’s post
Suggest using carriage-return next time – paragraphs are good! It doesn’t have to be one giant paragraph.
The story is similar to clw8 – it’s an unwanted clock this time. I just wish that the “voice” was older – it is an antique clock after all – thought the language should’ve sounded old fashioned. The setting was great – I could imagine an old formal parlour as it slowly emptied of furniture.

PixCii’s post
Could I request for a left-sided paragraph formatting next time? This isn’t a poem after all – the center format was very distracting for me.
That said – I vote best post for this one - so funny! I was guessing the entire time just which fruit was the speaker. The pacing was very good – with a bit of suspense to keep the reader interested – does the fruit get eaten or not? The characterization of the fruit was very real – and the dialogue worked – I was imagining a young teen-ager?

FurryPanda’s post
Okay - this ties with PixCii’s as best post for me also – the emo alarm clock was very believable – and I liked the pacing of the piece – how the clock finally found a home and a purpose in life (waking the hell out of Carl every morning). Very good description of the clock’s life before being bought and after. And I liked how the new characters were introduced into the mix – the mom and Carl.
The characterization of the clock was very believable – and I could see in just a few paragraphs that there was character growth.

I hope these same people post again – I’m sure the pieces will just get better as they go along. And I do hope more people join in!

Great critique, simstate. There's not much I would add but there was one little thing I wanted to mention for RussaNodrey; your use of ellipses (the three dots) makes the piece seem a bit vague sometimes. While using them is good for thought progression and things like that you should try more direct ways of separating sentences and stuff. It will make your pacing snappier! Hope that helps.

simstate, seeing as you can't really critique your own... READ INSTRUCTIONS. Haha, I'm kidding! I think you let on what your narrator was a little too early. There was a great opportunity for you to carry on and keep the audience guessing. "I was a beautiful bed once" seemed a bit direct. Although that fact that the bed is self aware of what it is is funny, it might have made it seem more human if he'd said "I was beautiful once" and let the descriptions of springs and headboards do the rest! Apart from that (lame) attempt of critiquing your entry was good and had good pacing up until the end when you ran out of time. Lol. *hands you a cookie*

Here's my submission. That is one fugly picture - where did you find it!
Disclaimer - it actually took me 21 minutes to write this - I forgot myself and it was an extra minute before I remembered to hit the done button on Write or Die.



The Old Picture In The Parlour

Kara hid in the parlour when the policemen came. Her mother finally found her when it was near dusk - gathering her into a tight hug.

"Don't you ever do that again!" her mother had scolded and shook her slightly. "I was half out of my mind. What with your father missing -"

"Mama," Kara tugged at her mother's sleeve. "Look at the old picture on the wall. Last week, the ogre man was holding four keys. But look, now he has five keys in his hand."

"What on earth are you talking about Kara?" her mother exclaimed. "How could the number of keys change? If there are five keys now, then there always were five keys."

"But mama ..."

"Now you be a good girl, Kara. I've set out your dinner for you on the kitchen table. I've got to go talk to some of the search people who are helping look for daddy. You be a good girl and clean up afterwards."

Kara had a last long look at the old faded black and white print on the wall. Her mother had found it in a garage sale and for some reason had bought it ("It was going for a steal!" she'd said) and displayed it in the parlour. The picture fascinated Kara. There was a big hairy ogre of a man with bulging-out eyes who clutched a ring of keys on one hand. He was talking to a lady dressed up in a fancy dress and a bad wig. Kara imagined the man was the "Beast" in "Beauty & The Beast." But unlike the kindly "Beast" in the Dysney movie, Kara knew the man in the picture was up to no good.

And she had counted the keys last week - she was playing a counting game and had counted 3 lamps, 2 rugs, 5 silver spoons, 1 grandfather clock and 7 windows in the parlour. She had counted the keys in the picture specially - 1 2 3 4 - four keys. But now there were five.

Kara was worried about her father. He had kissed her at the breakfast table and gone to read his newspaper in the parlour. But when mother had gone to call him for lunch, there was no one in the room. He had been missing for 3 days now and no one had heard from him.

Kara went to sleep alone; she made sure to leave her door open, just in case daddy came back in the night.

But he didn't.

The days passed by and became weeks. The friends and neighbors and policemen were gone. Even her grandpa and grandma had to fly back home.

Life somehow went back to normal without her father. Now it was just her mother and her. Kara checked on the old picture everyday. She didn't know why, but she counted the keys everyday. Five keys. Five keys. Five keys.

One morning, Kara woke up to silence.

"Mama?" She went to her mother's bedroom, but it was empty with the bedcovers neatly done. Her mother wasn't in the kitchen either. Or the garage - she checked and the car was still there. She went to the backyard, but mother wasn't there either.

Where could mama have gone? Then, with a stab of fear, Kara ran to the parlour. She looked at the old picture.

Now the ogre man was holding six keys in his hand. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Six keys.

Kara opened her mouth to scream.

It's an illustration of an old fairy tale!

I loved what you posted, very sinister and it had a really good ending! Just be careful with spelling ("Dysney") and also be consistent with how you write numbers. The counting at the end was fine, but generally if the number is under, say, twenty one then you should write the numbers out. Especially if some are numbers and others are written! :D

Seriously! I did a horror story too! 532 words


Athena paused as she glance around the corridor. No one was there to interupt this very important meeting. The curtain gently parted to reviel the old man, the magician, who had amazed her with his performance.
"You asked for a meeting?" said the man in his reedy voice.
Athena was very scared, what if this man bewitched her or worse? It took all her self control to keep her voice level.
"That magic, it amazed me! I was wondering if I may..." but the man cut her off.
"You truely enjoy magic, eh?" he said, reaching into his ornate jacket, "This key will help you. It will open any door, any lock, and might even make you smarter then God himself. You can find the answers to anything behind locked doors, be they doors or blocks in the mind."
This was blasphemey and yet, so intreging! Athena wanted to get away, yet was held rapt in attenstion.
"Here," the man gestured to a door to the right, "Open it."
With shivering hands she took the key. The sharp intensity of the cold on the brass burned, but she gathered her resolve and walked towards the door. It was usually locked, so if this worked... Athena put the key the lock and twisted it slightly. The door creaked open on not-so-well oiled hinges.
"This is shocking!"
Athena was quite suprised the man was actually telling the truth.
"You see, miss, not all magicians lie. Now, about the other use. To look into the mind. See if you cannot read mine. Simply consitrate on getting into my mind, then, all my knowledge is yours."
Athena was getting more nervous as this went on. Surely eternal damnation meet her if she tried this trick! Yet, she could not give up. Reading minds sounded so very, shall she say, delightful. Athena consentrated. Then, gradually, light faded from the room. All the memories of the old man flowed around her. It was all in reach! She touched an image cautiously. Immediately the memory, the death of a loved one, was replayed to her. The shocking imagies the truth! It was amazing!
"Oh please sir! Show me more magic! This can't be all you can do!" The man smiled. Immediatly Athena regretted the action. What if this time she would be turned into so hideous monster! A demon! Athena turned and fled, not yet realizing the key was still clutched in her hands. Her footsteps echoed off the marble floors and she fled to her room in a panic. She thought she could here the footsteps of the man behind her, echoing, echoing.
"Please!" Athena cried, "Take your key, take your magic and tricks and leave me!" The same laughter repeated itself. Athena felt sick. "Oh please, dear God don't let curse me! Please, I repent!" The demonic laughter echoed, rising to a cresendo! "PLEASE!"
The laughter stoped as Athena collasped onto the marble floor. She curled up, her heart beating, sweat pouring down her back. Her crying echoed more amongst the room. When she was found, there was no key. In fact there was nothing except the laughter, which echoed omniously around the chamber yet was not heard to anyone except Athena, who heard it day in, day out. Echoing. Echoing.

Fantastic read, RussaNodrey! I'm glad you're doing another challenge! :D

hey.
I know I was a person in favor of the 2nd one.
So, it's totally crossed my mind to complete the writing, but, if I don't forget, I plan on doing it tomorrow (wouldv'e done it tonight, buuut.... I played sims for about 4 consecutive hours, then did homework )

Haha, it's addictive, that game, huh? It's fine, just give it a go whenever you get a spare 20 mins! :D

Hi everyone! I've just joined the group! I read about this game thanks to simstate's blog and I'd like to partecipate... from next week since I've already read all your posts, which are amazing by the way. I hope I'll keep pace, oh, and I might add (so you won't be that surprised if I make funny mistakes) that english is not my first language since I'm italian. It's really a challenge since I'm quite slow in writing and I'm not used to limits in the number of words. I'm looking forward to the next challenge!

Mary awoke in a very paculiar room. Everything was colored in tones of reds and purples, and dark oak furniture lined the walls. Tall curtains with many poofy, lacey liners under them covered all the windows, making even the middle of the day seem like the middle of the night. She searched for a way to exit. Her eyes finally landed upon a narrow brown door, that was so perfectly carved in such an elegant design, was located on the opposite side of the room. Swiftly, she moved across the room, her dress rubbing against all the beautiful furniture, and dragging upon the thickly carpeted floor. Upon reaching the door, she heard a most startling noice behind the curtain at the entry way. Turning her head slightly, she immediately made out the silouette of a hefty man. With this, she leaped back, almost losing her balance, and started to cringe as he made his figure visable. He had a certain twinkle in his eye that let on that he actually enjoyed watching Mary scurry frantically around the room. It was at that second that he spoke up.

"My name is Captain Joseph K. Thompson", he said. I am captain of the JJLouise, you are aboard her now.

Not knowing how to digest the most startling news she had just recieved, Mary just looked down at the floor, then at the door, then back onto the man. She then caught eye contact with shiny silver rods he was holding in his hands. No wait, she thought, keys. He has keys!

Recognizing what she was staring at, Thompson brought the keys up to chest level.

"So", he said, "You think that I'm just going to hand you these keys, and let you be on your merry little way? You are sadly mistaken miss. I ddin't bring you here just for the fun of it. I brought you here as a test of strength, courage, and intellegence."

At that momment, he held out the keys, and then studied her reaction.

"When you, Mary, are correctly able to identify the correct key for that door, in one guess, then you will be safely removed from this ship, and back to the place at which you belong."

Not knowing how to take this most startling news, Mary just stood there, dumb-struck. After some seconds of pondering, she took held of the keys, and one by one started to study them. She stared back and forth between the door and the keys, noting the differences in sizes. After about five minuets of examining, she finally made her decision.

"This key, Sir, is the key that will unlock that door, and free me forever."

Amazed at the key that she chose, Thompson unwillingly stuck the key into the lock, and with a click, the door unlocked. With no hessitation, Mary fled through the door, not taking a second look back.

-clw8

Oh thanks!!!

Welcome Nadia! I look forward to seeing you're writing and don't worry about not having English as your first language! :D

clw8, I loved yours, you had a gorgeous first paragraph, really got across the atmosphere! Just watch out for missing speech marks and try not to repeat phrases ("startling news") so that the piece flows a little better. Good job, thanks for participating again! :D

Thanks...Yeah, I had serious writer block, and, didn't even go back and correct any grammer or spelling. Looking back at it now, I see TONS of mistakes. I didn't intentionally repeat phrases, I was just at complete loss of words! It took me probably a good minuet to think of the work silouette....so, yea...writer block and story writing doesn't go together well!

....That's not even how I wanted to end the story. Pretty crummy ending for such a built up start... however, what can I say....I was out of time, and words......

Lol! Don't worry about it It was still a good read!

Third one?
Are we going to have yet another???

I'm sorry the third challenge didn't go up last night! I haven't been feeling well :weep: But nevermind, here's your next one to try out! :D


Guidelines.

- Your piece can either be in the first person or third person, but you must start with the aforementioned sentence regardless.
- You have 20 minutes to write this. Either time yourself with an alarm or phone, or use the useful link by FurryPanda on page 1.
- You must have a minumum of 500 words, although you shouldn't go over 2000.
- Copy and paste straight onto this thread. Do not edit or rewrite your piece. Spelling, grammar and punctuation can be revised but without a dictionary and such.




(I hope this deadline is alright for people - I'd like to keep it as every Sunday night Again, sorry for the delay!)

It's not that good, but, oh well!
----------
She touched the little box in her pocket and smiled. Molly, a very mischievious four year old, loved playing jokes on people. Just five minuets ago, she had snuck into her uncle Dean's office, and took the small box that contained an engagement ring inside. Dean had laid it there, on the corner of his desk, while he was practicing what he would say to the woman he wanted to propose to, Julie.

Molly pranced about her uncles home, knocking over random non breakables, and picking through everything. She was bored. Having to live with her uncle for the summer wasn't a picnic by any means, and Molly enjoyed making things as hard as possible for her dear and loving uncle.

At noon, Dean entered his office to redeem Julie's ring, and to make sure he knew exactly what he was going to say, just one last time. Noticing that the box wasn't where he left it, he began looking frantically around the room. Digging under stacks of papers, crawling around on the floor like a baby, and skimming the entire area all proved one thing: the ring was not in there. Without another minuet of hessitation, it finally came to Dean. Who else could have the ring except Molly? After all, it was just the two of them living there at the house.

Exiting to his backyard, Dean made his way over to Molly. Not seeing that he was behind her, Molly had the ring on her very own tiny finger. Seeing it almost imediately, Dean swooped down beside her, jerking the ring off of her hand, and startling poor Molly.

"Why did you take this from my desk, Molly?", Dean asked.

With her blue eyes shinning bright, Molly turned to look her uncle square in the eyes, and replied, "I thought it was pretty, and just wanted to look at it."

Not knowing what more to say, and definately not wanting to start a fight, or to have a crying four year old, Dean got up, and just walked back inside. Not wanting to be left outside, Molly ran inside too, and decided to go on an annoying rampage of bugging her uncle to death. However, cut short of her plan, the door bell rang.

Not thinking twice, Molly raced over to the front door, and opened it. Julie was at the door, because Dean, of course, had wanted to speak to her.

"Hello there Molly. How are you today?"

Uninterested in talking to Julie, Molly ignored her question, and instead went off to watch tv. At that second, Dean entered the room with a certain smile on his face.

"Hey there", Dean said, blushing a little.

"Hey there, yourself", Julie replied.

Not wanting to prolong what he intended to do any longer, he dropped to his knee, whipped out the ring, and proposed to Julie. With a big, happy 'yes', Julie leaped into Dean's arms.

"It's about time," Julie said, "I was beginning to think that I was going to have to propose to you."

"Why Julie, you know that it's the man's job to propose to the woman he loves."

With her head burried in his shoulder, Dean could barely make out a muffled "hypocrite".

-clw8

Hey, nice post clw8 - and very prompt! Molly seems full of mischief. The pacing I thought was pretty good. I'll just mention point of view though - you jumped from Molly's POV to Dean's. Well done for not switching halfway through a sentence, hehe, but maybe it would have been more interesting to keep with Molly's POV? See Dean and Julie through the eyes of a four year old? I think it could have worked out pretty cute that way!

Apart from that it's really cute, good job! :D

Thanks, Gemmareno - I'll keep the numbers thing in mind!

I won't add any more critiques since you've pretty much covered it, just a need to run spell check to clean up the spelling some and just a note to RussaNodrey - cool that I see paragraphs! Loved that we both thought "horror story."

Just wondering - which fairy tale was that picture in anyway?

"This is the key, Uncle?"

"Yes. Be very quiet as you go through the castle. You know what to do once you are in the king's chambers?"

"Yes."

"Good luck to you then, niece. I will see you shortly."

Arabella hid the key in her skirts as she slowly sashayed her way through the castle corriders. Once at the king's chamber door, she looked about to assure herself no one was about. She quietly opened the door before entering the grand sitting room. With silent stealth she made her way to the bedchamber where she quickly undressed down to her chemise before crawling into the immense bed. Carefully so as not to wake him, she lay close to the king and gently pulled his arm around herself.

Arabella tried to keep from trembling as she lay beside the king. She hoped that he was indeed far enough in his cups and not question her presence in his bed. Longer than life minutes passed before there was a loud knocking on the outer chamber doors.


Ok, I quit. That's seven minutes of my life I'll never have back.

Pity you didn't finish it Deatherella. It was a good start - plus I was wondering what was going to happen next.

She touched the little box in her pocket and smiled. Well, technically, it wasn't her pocket. She'd worn her cute little strapless black dress for her date tonight and had not expected it to get so cold. Ricky, after several hints from her, had finally caught on and offered her his jacket. Feeling the little box on the front right breastpocket was an unexpected bonus.

Sally surreptitiously fished her cell phone out while Ricky was off to the gents. Quickly, she dialed her best friend Gail's number.

"Girl!" she squealed, "I think he's proposing tonight!"

"About time," Gail muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing - I said congratulations. I'm really happy for you. Not!" Gail snickered.

"Oh, you big hypocrite! I heard you the first time. It doesn't matter now that he's made me wait ten years. I'm finally getting married!" Sally couldn't help crowing in triumph.

Sally had already been a bridesmaid for a grand total of fifteen times - count that - fifteen times. She'd gritted her teeth and smiled through the ribbing she got. But Sally was getting tired of all the questions during the family get-togethers - "So, when is Ricky going to make an honest woman out of you?" She had almost had enough of the pitying glances from her married girlfriends. Now, she could join the ranks of the blushing brides in her clique. Finally.

"Oh, shoot - he's on his way back, gotta go."

"Details, girl, details -" Gail managed to get out before Sally cut her off.

"Hey, what's up?" Ricky asked, sliding into the seat beside her. He gave her a lopsided smile that never failed to make Sally's breath catch. As her mother had observed the first time she'd met Ricky - "What a handsome devil you've managed to catch, Sally." Ricky was the quintessential tall, dark and handsome man she'd dreamed about ever since she'd read her first Mills and Boon romance novel. So what if he'd fended off any marriage talk all these years - he was just making sure that everything was perfect before he proposed. Sally was sure of that.

To reassure herself, Sally touched the box again and smiled. "Nothing darling, just admiring the view."

The dinner seemed to fly by - Sally honestly couldn't have told you what the conversation was or what she ate. She was floating on a sea of giddy happiness - in her mind, she was already walking down the aisle in a frothy concoction she'd always dreamed of since she was thirteen. She'd even picked out her wedding song - she'd heard it in the Broadway play "Mamma Mia" and thought "I do, I do, I do" was simply perfect.

Then Ricky was signaling the waiter for the cheque. What? What? Sally shook her head in bewilderment - What about the proposal? Oh, what the heck - Sally had had enough of waiting. She was going to seize the bull by the horns.

"Darling," she purred. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

When Ricky looked at her blankly, Sally added, "I'm sorry, darling. Not that I was snooping or anything, but I couldn't help but notice this little box inside your jacket pocket ..."

"Oh, thank God you found it, Sally! I thought I'd lost the dammed thing. It's an engagement ring that Jack had me pick up for him. He's proposing to Jessie, fancy that! Never dreamed he'd give up his freedom just like that, now me ..."

Ricky never had the chance to continue. Instead, he found his drink and his jacket dumped on his head and was reeling from a solid whack to his head from Sally's purse as she made her exit.