Haven't seen a thread about this, so I though I'd make one.
What are the funniest jokes you've heard?

Dry humor, black humor and such are allowed, but please no racist jokes.

I've read these two in the Reader's Digest magazine:

Pete is at the military and he's got a pretty boy-ish face, so he decided to grow a mustache. One day at the inspection, the seargant came towards to Pete, yelling: "Wiggins! What's so important about your nose it has to be underlined!?"


Mail to an insurance company:
I came home from work and I drove up the wrong driveway and hit a tree I don't have.

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!

Ok here's the funniest joke I ever heard:

A man wants to take his family for a day out to the beach. So he goes to hire a car. When he gets there, they ask if he has a driving licence. He says "no". So they ask him if he's ever driven a car before. He says "no", so they won't let him have one.

So then he asks if he can hire a motorbike instead. They ask if he has a motorbike licence. He says "no". They ask if he's ever ridden a motorbike before. He says "no", so they won't let him have one.

So then he asks if he can hire a bicycle instead. They ask if he has ever ridden a bike before. He says "no", so they won't let him have one.

So then he asks if he can hire a skateboard instead. They ask if he has ever ridden a skateboard before. He says "no", so they won't let him have one.

So then he asks if he can hire some rollerskates instead. They ask if he has ever worn rollerskates before. He says "no", so they won't let him have one.

So then he asks if he can hire a hoop and stick. They ask if he has ever played with a hoop and stick before. He says "Yes, I had one when I was a little boy."

So he hires the hoop and stick and takes his family to the beach. They have a lovely day out, building sandcastles, playing in the sea, and eating ice cream etc.

When they decide to go home, they get to the car park, only to find that the hoop and stick has been stolen! The dad cries...........

....................


My sister told me this joke, it is by her best friend's dad. It still makes me laugh!

A man is walking along the beach and comes across a woman with no arms and no legs lying there crying. He asks her what's wrong and she says she's never been kissed. So he kisses her and she thanks him.
Next day he's walking along and she's there crying again. He asks her again and she says it's she's never been hugged. So he hugs her.
Next day he's walking along and she's there crying again. Now it's getting old so he asks her, not as nice this time, "what's wrong now, lady?" She tells him it's that she's never been fucked. So he takes her out into the water, throws her as far as he can into the ocean and says "well, lady, you're fucked now!"

It's hard for jokes to really get to me. I like unexpected humor that doesn't come in a standard form such as a punchline.

My father had jokes typewritten on small pieces of paper that he carried in his wallet. This one was my favorite in childhood - I don't remember the exact wording so I have to approximate.

What To Do In the Event of Nuclear Attack
1. Take cover.
2. Sit down.
3. Place your head between your legs.
4. Kiss your ass goodbye.

It still makes me laugh.

The funniest I've encountered recently is not really a joke, but a story by Ned Zeman on Steven Seagal in Vanity Fair
http://www.american-buddha.com/seagal.seige.htm

Ok lemme try. I warn you though, this may be corny..hehe

A kid asks his pregnant mom what's inside her belly. The mom answered, "It's going to be your baby brother, son". But the kid got shocked and asked his mom again, "But why did you eat him?!"

^That's really corny, indeed

This sign welcomed the visitors on a beach in south Florida:
Red Flag warning:
High waves
Strong currents
Unsafe bottom
Have fun!




Spontanious humor is my favorite combined with black humor. I'm lucky that my friends are spontanious and their jokes almost always are a form of black humor

A dyslexic walks into a bra.



Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I think I lost an electron".
The second asks, "Are you sure?".
The first one answers, "Yes, I'm positive."

I was having tea with my ex-husband once, having pasta and mixed veg, and I spilled some of it. I said...............

.................

Once when I was little, my grandparents were visiting. They wanted to borrow a video (showing my age here!), but we couldn't find the box. Just as they were getting in the car to leave, my mum found it. She said "Quick, run and catch Grandad with the box!" I said.............

.....................

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your genes/jeans.

Lol, I heard this once before, but I can't remember when

There's a manly man called Mike just doing his job in war when they suddenly get attacked. James yelled at Mike: ,,Throw your last grenade!'' So Mike threw his last grenade. He killed 10 people and then the nade exploded.

An octopus walks into a bar where a small band of musicians are playing - a pianist, a guitarist, and a bagpipe player. "I am the world's greatest musician!" it boasted. "Give me any instrument and I'll show you!"

The pianist, intrigued, gives the octopus his piano. The octopus immediately starts playing it so well that Elton John would pay for lessons.

Next, the guitar player hands his guitar to the octopus. It plays so well that [insert famous guitar player here] would weep to hear it.

Finally, the bagpipe player gives his bagpipes to the octopus. It fumbles with it for a few minutes. The bagpipe player said "Well?".

The octopus replied "I would take her upstairs, but I can't get her pyjamas off!"

***

Put in a spoiler for slightly crude humor.

This one I heard on the radio driving down the freeway. I'd had a really stressful day and for some reason it made me laugh so hard I had to pull over. I still get the giggles when I think about it.


What's brown and sticky?



A stick.


Lame I know, but it just got to me

A man walks into a bar. Ouch!

I don't get it

Sorry, it's rude joke and not funny anymore when I explain it.

Why did the chicken cross the road
Screech, thump, we will never know

That's just repeating it. It doesn't make sense to me either.

Manly man Mike was SO manly, he killed 10 people with his bare hands, AND THEN the grenade exploded killing other people. Get it? The grenade didn't kill 10 people, Mike himself did.

First time I ever read this, it was posted rather inappropriately in the comments of a news article about a poor girl who was eaten by a bear as she talked to her mom on a cell phone.

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.
They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.
Visitors should also carry a pepper spray can just in case a bear is encountered. Spraying the pepper into the air will irritate the bear's sensitive nose and it will run away.
It is also a good idea to keep an eye out for fresh bear scat so you have an idea if bears are in the area. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.
Black bear droppings are smaller and often contain berries, leaves, and possibly bits of fur. Grizzly bear droppings tend to contain small bells and smell of pepper.

Thanks.

Mickey Mouse is divorcing Minnie. The judge says "Mr Mouse, if you are claiming you want a divorce because she is insane, you need to prove it." Mickey replies, "No! I didn't say she's insane. I said I want to divorce her because she's fucking Goofy!"