What was the best feeling in the world? To Orion, it was to not be burdened by anxiety—having no worries or thoughts that could make him feel bad—and to be held by someone who loved him. His nerves were calm, the smell of fresh coffee grounds permeated the room, but that comfortable warmth that had been at his back all night was absent. They were gone. That fact hit his consciousness, rippled through him, and caused his eyes to snap open. His nerves were no longer relaxed.

A wave of teal and orange patterns blurred together as his vision focused on the room that he was in. He hadn't noticed how bright the colors were when he entered the night before when it had been dark. He pulled himself up and crossed his legs against the cooler air outside the bed covers that he had tangled himself up in. Then came that familiar, awful hitch of panic in his chest followed closely by an onset of numbness in his limbs. He set his head in his hand, closed his eyes, and held completely still, willing his body to not tremble as his breathing began to rapidly accelerate. He tried to focus on something, anything other than the current whirlwind of thoughts. Cypress always told Orion hum his favorite song in these instances but it felt like his voice was trapped in a painful vice and he couldn't make a sound.

Orion wished he had taken a Tranqulicis before he fallen asleep but had been a bit too distracted to remember. He finally caught the reins of his mind and instead controlled them into thinking of the lyrics of the song he had been writing, the one he had sung in front of Cypress at the radio station.

“I never knew what love was until I met you. So, thank you for helping me discover what I felt was true.”

After a few minutes of reciting the words in his head, his quick exhales subsided and his legs could move again. He opened his eyes and looked straight to the top of the dresser in the room where many bottles of Tranquilicis sat. Wasting no more time, he got up and plucked out two pills, tilted his head, and threw them to the back of his mouth and swallowed dry.


He followed the scent of coffee out of the bedroom and to the kitchen to find that Cain had made a fresh pot. "Hey," Orion greeted him with a shaky smile.

He was so relieved that Cain was still here. Logically, it made the most sense—why would Cain up and leave his own place? However, Orion always had a worry at the back of his mind that Cain would all but disappear like he had in the past, and then not contact Orion for weeks. It made Orion feel clingy to want to know where Cain was all the time and he knew he shouldn't worry but couldn't help to.

"Mornin' Star Boy," Cain answered in a rough voice, still unused and throaty sounding. He didn't turn to look at Orion but poured himself a cup, "You want any?"


"No thanks," Orion said and pulled out one of the chairs from the small table to sit. Cain liked to drink his coffee black. Orion preferred a handful of sugar and cream in his. Nick liked to joke about it by asking how much coffee Orion would like with his cream and sugar when they went to get any between classes.

Orion glanced around the kitchen and the connecting living room. It all was so colorful—following the same scheme he had seen in the bedroom. Cain had moved places in the months between the last time Orion had been with him. Usually Cain opted to crash in Orion's room but something last night prompted Cain to ask Orion over. Of course, Orion was curious to know what that reason was, but knew pressing Cain for answers would make him irritable.

"I didn't know you had such a love for teal and orange," Orion mentioned.

Cain took a seat while sipping on his coffee and shook his head; he pointed to the walls, "I'm sub-leasing from an art student who is doing a semester abroad. This is all her doing."

"I see."

Cain raised a thick brow and seemed to study Orion as he sat there. It made Orion self-conscious, but luckily the drugs had kicked in and his anxiety was dissipating.

"What's wrong?" Cain asked.

Orion slumped forward and held his chin in his hand, "I had an anxiety attack after I woke up."

"Didn't you take Tranqulicis?"

"I forgot to before going to bed, it's my own fault," Orion lamented, his nerves weren't tangled anymore but he still felt...sad. He shouldn't have. Last night was great, and something he had been hoping for—to be alone with Cain with no distractions for once. He didn't know why he felt this way.


Orion's stomach made an audible grumble just then. Maybe he was just hungry.

"Sorry, I don't have much food here. I need to go grocery shopping," Cain said at hearing the discontented noise.

Orion's head shot up from his hand with a sudden eagerness, "We could go get brunch somewhere! There's a boxcar café next to the quad that does the best omlette—"

"Actually, I need to go downtown today to run some errands. You wanna go get something to eat on the way?"

Orion was momentarily shocked that Cain was offering Orion a chance to tag along. He had to jump start his train of thought again to think about it, "There's that Deli by the bay that has pretty food. Want to hit that up?"

Cain considered and then nodded, "Yeah, sounds good.”

That heavy sense of melancholy Orion felt just a moment before lifted, as if it were a cloud and the sun had just broken through. Errands were a mundane task but yet the offer to join him gave Orion a hint of hope that maybe he and Cain could ever be something more than just each other's go-to hook up.

After finishing his mug of coffee, Cain set it in the sink without bothering to wash it, just like the empty bottles of beer stacked up near it that he was meaning to recycle that they had consumed last night. Cain was usually a very easygoing persona, independent, chill—last night Orion could tell he'd been shaken by something. Cain was worried. Whether it was by the late hour he'd called Orion, the uneasy quietness between them before they'd cracked open the six pack, or the rush of physicality then ensued—it wasn't the normal experience with Cain.

Orion followed Cain back into the bedroom. His clothes had been discarded at the foot of the bed and he supposed he should get dressed if they were going to go out. Cain approached the dresser to look through a pile of his shirts to find something to wear. There was a mirror on the wall above the dresser and through the reflection, Orion could see Cain frowning—deep in thought.

He felt compelled to comfort Cain and so approached from behind, slid his arms around Cain's torso and nuzzled the back of his neck. "Are you okay?"

"What makes you think something is wrong?" Cain asked, looking up sharply and meeting Orion's eyes in the reflection of the mirror.

Orion hated prying, but he also hated not knowing what was going on with those he cared about, especially if they were suffering in some way. Cain never explained himself, and it was frustrating to care about someone when they didn't open up. Orion lowered his gaze and focused on where he had just nuzzled, seeing a dark spot on Cain's skin he hadn't noticed last night. It looked like the start of a bruise.

"Where'd you get this?" he brushed his fingers over the mark and Cain reached up and snatched his hand in his quite abruptly.

"Don't worry about it," Cain replied flatly, then he realized his mistake—because Orion worried about everything it seemed. His tone softened a bit, "It's nothing."

Orion sighed and laid his head onto Cain's shoulder. He had to keep reminding himself that Cain wasn't his boyfriend, so he had no business worrying over Cain like this. But it was hard. He felt Cain let go of his hand and it was left resting at his collarbone, though soon enough he used it to take a bottle of Tranqulicis Cain was holding out to him meaning for him to have it. Cain made a half smile, trying to reassure Orion, "Let's get dressed and get some grub."


They took the bus line to downtown Memosa Bay. By the time they were seated at the delicatessen, Orion’s stomach was full on growling for food. They wasted no time in ordering some. Soon enough their meals were delivered and they dug in with eager appetites.

“So, how did you do on that midterm? Did you ever get your grade posted?” Cain asked between spoonfuls of soup.

Orion was in mid-bite of his burger but stopped and smiled, touched that Cain would have remembered or even cared about it.

“I got a ninety-five percent!” he felt a bit foolish for worrying so much about it before. He had done an ungodly amount of studying for it, sacrificing so many hours of sleep.

“That’s good. Your G.P.A is doing much better than mine I’m afraid.”

“What happened? Are you skipping classes again?” Orion gave a slight frown and made to take a drink before eating more of his food. He and Cain had shared business courses over the last two years and sometimes Cain didn’t show up to class. Orion would usually provide him with the notes he’d missed from the lectures.


“I missed my midterm,” Cain explained nonchalantly.

“Are you on probation?” Orion’s eyes widened in worried surprise and he nearly choked as he took another bite of his burger.

Cain waved his hand outward as if not to worry, “Technically, yes, but I’ll just ace the final and be fine again.” Orion wouldn’t be able to live as Cain did—to just skip a midterm and decide to get a hundred percent on the final like it was nothing. Cain’s confidence was infinite and borderline terrifying.

“Relax, you look like you’re going to have another anxiety attack,” Cain said and Orion realized he had been struck momentarily immobile at the news. He willed his hands to lift his burger to his mouth so he could finish it. It was a bummer that Cain had failed his midterm and Orion wondered what was so important for Cain to have skipped it without a second thought.


They finished their meal; Cain offered to pay, but Orion insisted he would take the bill since he suggested the place to eat.

They emerged downtown, and Cain led the way down the sidewalk toward the business district. Orion’s family lived in Memosa Bay and he loved the tall buildings. He craned his head back to look at the skyscrapers’ vertical rise into the clouds, in comparison it made him feel like he was at the bottom of an urban canyon. The autumn wind had picked up and he was glad he was wearing a sweater. Suddenly he felt Cain take his hand and his attention snapped back to the ground. He thought maybe Cain was guiding him another direction and he hadn’t been paying enough attention to have followed but to his surprise, Cain was holding his hand...just to hold it. Orion felt that same warm feeling from earlier and clasped Cain’s hand tighter with his own. This is what he imagined he felt it would be like to have a boyfriend—someone to take walks with and run errands with—dull daily things that were made so much better by having someone there to enjoy it with.

They walked a few more blocks before Orion began to wonder what errands Cain needed to do. If it was groceries, they were going in the entirely opposite direction of the nearest grocery store.

Cain stopped them in front of an older brick building that had marks of graffiti on it. He abruptly pulled Orion close and gave him a long kiss. The move took Orion by surprise and he was still blinking in confusion when Cain pulled away and said “Hey, why don’t you go back to my place and I’ll catch up later?"


“What about your errands?”

“You wouldn’t want to waste your day off with them, I’ll handle it,” Cain said with in a light, casual tone but look in his eyes was hard. His suggestion was a request.

A strike of melancholy hit Orion in the chest. So this day wasn’t what he hoped it was, and Cain still refused to let Orion into his life. Orion nodded apprehensively and made to go back to the bus stop, “Yeah, see you later.”

He hoped it was true and this wasn’t one of those times ‘later’ would be in a few months. Hopefully, Cain wouldn’t suddenly be ‘too busy’ to reply to Orion’s texts, hopefully Orion could cope when his Tranquilicis stash had run out, because he had a feeling his anxious nerves couldn’t handle another ghosting episode from Cain.

He got a block away before turning to look back at his wayward lover, hopefully not for the last time, but was startled to see Cain wasn’t in sight anymore. Orion frowned and started walking in the opposite direction, back to where he had been.

He stopped short of the alleyway, hearing voices floating outward from it. Cain’s was recognizable but the other sounded feminine...it was a woman!

“I’m not asking for much, it’s one bottle,” the woman’s voice seemed displeased, cracking with hoarseness. He heard the click of a lighter follow her statement.

“Five-hundred.”

“You’re out of your mind,” she snapped.

“Look, you can only get it from the lab right now and I'm risking my neck here, it’s not approved by the regional drug association, and it can have some really adverse affects when mixed with alcohol.”

“I’m counting on that,” the woman replied chillingly and then seemed to sigh, “Knock it down to three hundred and I’ll give you two bottles of that anxiety med you are always happy to have.”


Orion felt dread rise in him at what he was hearing. Hoping this was all some misunderstanding and it couldn't be what it clearly sounded like.

“Deal. Also I’m starting up a little underground venture you might be interested in. Know any gamblers who like to take risks?”

Orion couldn’t take it anymore, he swallowed a breath and and quickly peeked around the corner into the alley to see the woman—who looked to be of a mature age—handing a wad of money to Cain as he exchanged it with a bottle of pills. It was a different type of bottle than what Tranqulicis came in. No matter, the scene was shocking.

The woman scoffed, seeming slightly amused. “I can get you a hook up to some high rollers but I want a discount on all future transactions. It’s not easy swiping my husband’s meds.”

“Sure thing, Marge. If you can get some of your compadres in Pandora up here to see what kind of betting opportunities await, I’ll give you whatever discounts you want.”


Orion nearly threw his back against the brick exterior, out of sight before Cain saw him eavesdropping; his nerves were trying to rise to alarm but the effects of Tranquilicis were thankfully keeping them at bay as well as the inevitable anxiety attack after witnessing such a scene. Cain was dealing. How long had this been going on? Why was he talking about gambling? Orion began walking briskly toward the nearest bus stop in a state of disbelief.

Orion would ask Cain directly but he always had the fear that too many questions would spook Cain into another long absence. He didn’t know what to do. If he brought it up, Cain would know he’d been prying into his private, illegal affairs. If he didn’t the truth would eat him alive. He finally made it to the bus stop and he didn’t remember the time in between leaving the alleyway and arriving here. Time was a blur, and he felt his life was a tangle of strings. Couldn’t he for once, just have them laid straight and orderly to be at ease?

He fumbled the bottle of Tranquilicis out of his pocket that Cain had given him earlier that morning and swallowed two more—just in case this latest development sent him over the edge. He closed his eyes and held his head in hand so he could think. He couldn’t afford to be a helpless ball of nerves in public. He wished Cypress were there at that moment. Cypress may have thought Cain was a low life but at least he listened.

“I never knew what love was until I met you. So, thank you for helping me discover what I felt was true.”

The lyrics calmed him at first—however, he wasn’t exactly imagining them this time in his head. He opened his eyes with a new sense of dread. It was...it was being played over the speakers in the bus stop! How?

Cypress.

Cypress must have recorded the song when Orion performed it at the Radio Station last week. He had aired it live, which he didn’t have permission to do and still miffed Orion a bit thinking of it—but he also didn’t have permission to record it either. Orion’s emotions caught in his throat and the sense of melancholy deepend, engulfed him even, as he realized that those he cared about were no longer a bit trustworthy.